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Tuesday, June 05, 2007
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I stopped blogging when blogspot sold its soul to google. I mean what is up with this. Can't they just leave Change out of my blogs? Its maddening, all these signing-ups and re-registering and new formats, "NEW BLOGGER", automatic pop-ups and godknowswhat surprises awaiting to pounce on me when i click the tab "Publish Post".
But thats not the only reason i didn't blog for like 5 months or so. I'm just uninspired. I have dissolved into a mechanical component of functional rationalism. I now do things for only three reasons : one, the things fulfil a rational motive. (ie it brings me money eventually); two, they sustain my life ; three, they are habitual. I-A-M-D-5-2-3-T-H-E-R-O-B-O-T *squeaking of limbs* hehe. I'm just being angsty towards Rationalism. Don't take it personally.
Friends have begged to know why i haven't wrote my blog. They need me. My people. doooooon't cryyyyyyy for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE AR-DENT-read-ers!!!!!!!
The truth is I never left you.
hehe. I'm a bit wonky as usual. But its true that some of you do miss my blog. which probably means, you miss ME. so here i AM! *JUMPS OUT OF YOUR MONITOR* Squeeze my cheeks and Smell my earlobes! I think i'm a very different entity in my blogs, i'm more of like ...... what is popularly labelled as... SHEN JING BING. BUT. In reality, i'm very much subdued (*reassures the casual occasional readers*) but after you get to know me, my insanity actually still exists, just through a more subtle expression.
Diary Format 5th July 2007:
Today! I woke up at 7, was late for class, where the teacher guided us through Hamlet in English (yes) , and then another class where the teacher is absent cos one of his body tubes got stuck and he's in critical condition but he is fine now. But he issues an order for a thesis this end-of-term in Shi Ji (the first historical record in China). Then i went to the library and read up Habermas' "The Theory of Communicative Action", couldn't understand a single sentence (!) but managed to pretend i understood one and threw it into my thesis on the "Modernity of Chinese Literature" which i think is fantabulous by the way, and i shall be returning all 7 of my reference books for the thesis later (7 ref. books for a module that earns me 2 credits, obviously defying my 3 laws of func. rat. behavior,see above) and borrow another 10 on Shi Ji, if the entire chi fac class hasn't already ransacked the miserable Humans library. Oh. i was having dumplings when i wrote this, yummy 6 RMB ones which have like fractions of egg yolk in all 8 of them. I'm saving up so the 150RMB veg buffet tonight (that includes free-flow HD icecream --!!!) is at least negotiable.
See. why would anyone wanna write like how Ally (Mcbeal) talks. its ridiculous.
we Func. Rat. believers prefer to write in NOTE FORM. much more efficient. Demonstration A:
List of Girl Trouble events in Fudan:
1) Shanghainese Classmate
- has a crush on me
- wears hot pants (black) with web stockings (black)
- endearing glances during lessontime
- traumatizing
2) Shanghainese Girl
- fellow competitor in singing competition
- asks me if i had a gf
- INFORMS me she doesn't have a bf
- implores for my comments on her costume wistfully
- absolutely frightful
3) Chinese classmate in the same class as (3)
- doesn't attend class much
- sleeps when she does arrive 20 minutes-1 hour late
- decided to ask a FOREIGN student (ie me) to lend her all his notes so she can photocopy them for the exams
- little does she know : this foreign student does not lend his notes to people who do not wake up at 7 for lessons
4) Thai Stranger
- a classmate from the previous term
- never conversed except:
- once, i cycled past her and she gazed at me yearningly so i stopped to ask her (bluntly) : "do you know me?" (stupid move zy! STUPID)
- she said "she doesn't remember"
- one fine day, zy gets ambushed by her 2 friends who pop out at the hostel lobby and asks for his hp no. which he cleverly evaded from providing
- however, his email had to galvanize instead.
- girl sends 2 emails which are super random
- zy ignores and is living still today.
Okay. These are the more significant ones. TRUST ME : i am more horrified than flattered by such things (some of you know why). If bad tao hua summed up 2006, i think decomposed tao hua can almost describe the first half of 2007. It must be how innocent i look. Or how bewitched these ppl are by idol drama. except for the note-borrowing girl of course, her motives are clear and so is my stand. Nothing ventured nothing gained. As for the others:
WHY ME????????
the question is. do i portray myself as someone KIND? I'm sorry if i did! Moreover, where is the LL face (quoted fm shanshan) i used to have in J1? Time hasn't dissolved it ,the last time i checked!
WEI SHEN ME!!! *does an a-die cry to the heavens*
I hate having to DO sth unkind. I just want to look unkind so people steer off MY LIFE so i don't have to STEAMROLL them over. Its not even for them! I just want to be guilt-free. Is that too much to ask? I really don't like people to impose expectations on me. I can tolerate the friends doing it cos i return the favour, but all these..*goo on hands-expression* unwanted ATTENTION is unbearable.
okay. hoooo~ im cool now.
~
I have a brand new outlook towards life now. All thanks to *cough*.
Its very hard to explain what it is, though.
I thought it was like, typically, "Don't trust anyone except for your loved ones/ Reality is cruel / Human beings are inherently selfish"
But no. Its not that. Its like that but the essence of it is different.
The message behind it is not "Join it if you can't fight it." , " Don't dream. " , " Accept reality. "
Its more of, finding a balance, being at ease with it all, letting it not bother you, ditching idealism along with pragmatism, dreams along with cynicism, hopes along with despair, and all the other dialectic formulas.
Its not just surrendering to reality. Its more of, quoting Su Rui in "Wen Rou De Ye", "Kan4 Qing1 Ni3" , ie seeing everything for what it really is.
I think its still a phase, because the only thing i am quite sure of is the volatility of it all.
But at the same time, i guard this little field. The only thing untouched by my newest revelation. Something that preserved all the romantics i used to honor myself for. It flourishes.
~
A babe, diapered, ventured into black woods. He sees shadows lurking around, as if ready to pounce, as if about to attack him, as if bad. A hunter comes by and advises, "These are bad things. You should run before you get hurt." The babe can't see why these things are bad. I mean, its obvious enough but he can't be sure. And "as if" isn't good enough. So he just wants to walk right into them.
Let the babe walk into them, won't you? Its not about not preventing damage anymore. Its about letting him see things for real. Let him.
But stay around won't you? With your gun and your eagle eyes.
~
I watched so many movies recently.
I'll like to mention 3 women-centred ones :
The Queen
Monster
Notes on a Scandal
The Queen :
Helen Mirren is positively, "bloody" frumpy for a queen. Beautiful. And you must watch it just for the very subtle emotional tension in her. Her integrity as a royalty and that air of unconforming nobility. And all that humanity that lies within that (not "beneath that" though, that will suggest her role as the Queen being masquerading, when it actually is inseparable with her being simply human). My favourite among the 3, very subtle, very poignant.
Monster:
Stifling. I almost died. my friend had to pull out halfway. Its disturbing in its repititiveness : how Charlize Theron keeps convincing herself that what she does is right. how she blames everything on reality and conjures this warped philosophy on life. It reminds us how we perceive life differently, but yet dance to a same rhythm, keeping ourselves in step by some unnamed obligation. And if we for once, look beyond our glass bottle, like how we see Charlize Theron live her way of life, we are frightened by just the possibility of believing in something so wrong.
Notes on a Scandal :
Its mainly for Judi Dench. Brilliant performance. This film could be called "Monster" for her. Another instance of a cocooned life. But different from that of "Monster". In "Notes", we see Dench gradually release her grip on her private life, she gradually demands acceptance for her other self. Then how it gets out of hand, how she loses all her dignity she maintained in her 'real' life, how her two lives collide and entangle themselves together. But the pace of the show is a little odd, no dramatic climax except for that instance where she attempted to touch Kate Blanchett : it was heartwrenching how pathetic she was, at that old age, yearning for what was not to be wanted of someone her age and demeanour.
~
man. its crazy how much time i've wasted to write this blog. I DEMAND COMMENTS. I'm actually using time to provide information for all you desperate fans out there. haha. :P
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