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Saturday, May 14, 2005
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OH. this is going to be SUCH A LONG BLOG.
so if you are just browsing through, don't bother.
this entry requires focus as respect towards my organised sanity. :)
~
i haven't been blogging for a month. when i realised people rely on my blog to know if i am back home in singapore (smiles to zzy), it sorta gave a nudge of obligation. to be honest, i haven't been feeling quite bloggie these few days because i am reserving my writing impulses for 'proper' work like my short stories. bah. don't ask.
i blog as i like. so this blog might disappoint friends who wish to know more about my Sweden-Czech trip. i have my photos ready tho. on ofotos.com . contact me personally to know how to access them directly from my account because i don't want to send it to everyone on my mailing list nor look up a bunch of email adds. okay? okay.
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i am nothing if i don't have my words.
words are my weapon, my fences, my poison and my medal.
i live and suffer for my words. I pride myself for my words.
Like how Li An once said, "Besides making movies, i know nothing else." , Su Tong also said, "I have no options besides writing (for a living)." I hope I could say that to myself one day. Of course they do not mean it literally, but the statement claims an absolute. I'll rather call them completely confident and assured of their talents than call them humble. In fact , in a way, we know they are very proud of this solitary skill.
Words, whether in speech or in script, are almighty. It is the most fundamental and crucial element of communication. As i was telling dennis that day, it is not a 'talent' to be able to express yourself in writing or in speech, but a necessity.
Like how i could ask two different people the same question, "how's the movie?" and one could tell me "nice" and leave me with so much room for imagination (unwelcomed) while the other could give me a little bit more,maybe a two worded answer like "engaging throughout" and give me a whole new impression of the movie. Its as simple as that. Or it could be as complex as explaining your ambitions, your concepts, your feelings to people and not know if the final 'product' in the recipient's (reader or listener) mind is ANYWHERE near your actual thoughts. And communication is basic.
I know i am not (yet) a glorious writer, the one who propagates seeds of his own opinions , his own fantasies or his own observations in his readers' hearts. I hope i do become one. But i am a very serious speaker and writer. From my sms-es to my msn messages to my emails to my blogs, to my diaries and stories and day to day conversations, i play with words. Its a marvellous process really. How one chooses his/her words. It is awfully unbecoming (in my opinion, distasteful) if people use words that they don't mean. I get that sometimes and i am always hasty to ask for the correct definition of the word from the person who kindly corrects me. But of course not everyone shares this passion of accurate deliverance and weighing your words all the time.
But for us:
First we pan through our vocabulary lists in our minds. We choose words. We juggle their definitions along with their usual interpretations. And sometimes, like for my case, i know certain friends will interpret "STUPID" and "stupid" and "stoooopid" differently. And i will try to use the most appropriate word in THIS situation with THIS person. Not forgetting irony and sarcasm, exaggeration and humor. Wit is a speared expression. Far more poignant and eager to impress. But it might lose some sincerity along the way. Its all very exciting and complex.
I love talking. I love writing. Like how you write an expression, a phrase , of choosing 'absolutely' instead of 'completely' or 'relatively' instead of 'comparatively' and feel good about it! (i'm not very good at english that's why. all these words are very blurred so i get excited at knowing what they really can mean) That is the writers' simplest form of satisfaction from writing. and speaking of cos.
I make it sound very intentional don't i? haha. Writing maybe but so much talking has to be done to get through a day (especially for a doomed loudmouth like myself) i take shortcuts along the way but i make it a point to only say What I Feel or say What I Mean. The former is sincere and 'real'. The latter, To get what i want. I shan't elaborate. This isn't a thesis on communication. hehe.
Like why i love Tori Amos. I know i sound totally infatuated with her and all my friends probably do not understand nor think they need to understand why. But a large part of it is for her lyrics. If she could be coherent and less random (i picked the word 'random' up from Adele who inspires me so much with her cleverness), she would make a gifted writer.
I quote "Alice blue blossoms". Its my favourite.
Immediately, we see a Colour. In its specific shade. Its just .... clever.
Alice blue = the colour of Alice's dress in Alice in Wonderland. i was amazed.
a name + a colour that gives the reader instant visualisation.
or " i've been looking for a saviour on these dirty streets. looking for a saviour beneath these dirty sheets" which could mean nothing to most of us, but had such power and punch that i was clinging to it for life when i was at the edge.
or " i am alone in this kiss "
or " maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen "
It doesn't always have to mean SOMETHING. It just has to make you feel and see and associate. While tori fans have had such fun deciphering her language and condemning those who have made references which they disagree with, i feel that her lyrics is more of a buffet. Take what you want. There's always something for someone. But sometimes we need the references for indepth understanding of her music. Because remember, her music was meant to express her thoughts OVER to us . And i'm sure she hoped it was 'accurate' . :) Communication is everrrrywhere.
I love innovative language. I hate cliches. Its a shortcoming. I remember this saying (yo ml!) "cliches are cliches because they are true" but i'm so obsessed with uniqueness that i cannot stand anything that's been said before. I am very sensitive to repeated characters in chi lyrics or poems. I don't like it when tori reuses a word in any of her lyrics. Its a bad point. The true spirit of accuracy of expression is to use the ONLY WORD. but i'm still figuring out if there is always ONLY 1 WORD out there for every scenario. Like how big and huge and enormous and massive , meagre and minute and tiny and small and eensy weensy could never substitute one another.
I'm a bit random when it comes to talking. haha. but i never use words in vain. I don't use 'duh', 'nvm', 'uh huh' , 'oh' , '!' or '?' in vain. Seriously. I'm so obsessive with expression that if u see me type when im in concentration, i could be pondering over the use of 'haha' or 'heehee' or 'heh' in my msn conversations! it all means sth different! i'm weird. I plan my sms-es as far as i can. Hoping to light up the receiver's life a bit. Its so boring to receive "how are you", " where to meet? " , "i'll be late" all the time (:P to the last phrase) isn't it? I make an effort to colour my smses.
Hidden meanings are like treasures. That is why i love talking to adele from the very first day i shared a bus ride home with her. Hidden meanings accentuate intentions. Putting something in between the lines and letting someone find it makes people put their attention on the thing they found. Its jus natural to appreciate something you put effort into realising. Perfectly normal. Compare" You know i don't like it when you say that. " and "Dun say that". There is so much more intimacy in the former. Its an ART really. Like how i'll say the former to a fren who threatens real suicide and use the latter on someone who is grumbling about small issues and jus needs to whine and threatens 'fake' suicide. U could add a la to both and see how it totally warps the initial meaning of the phrases. Its so fun. I could write a book on all these. Make an effort to design your words. Msn and blogging and smses are not realtime so its good practice for me. Its not fake to design, its just bothering to get a message across in one piece , unaltered.
i'm always glad to hear lihui say that she likes reading my blogs because she knows i have a way with my words. (thanks lao sai hui. LOL. join the CLUB!) And i must be honest, i do use words to my advantage, either manipulate or propel people towards or away from me. Everyone does, its just how effective they are.
But its always important that you recipient, your reader, your listener understands that you HAVE been powering your expressions. Most people don't during casual talk. They don't notice that you chose to say " YAY!" instead of "okay! thanks!" when they ask you to a party or sth. Or maybe they do. I dunno. haha. I'm really sensitive with words . Fortunately i don't have overly blunt friends.
YAY. i've been wanting to say all these for a looong time. haha. I'm sorry it might be seem totally duh to some of you, but to a few of my buds, i think this can come in quite useful.
~
i love this quote i got from julie's nick
it reads
"its not just rainbows and butterflies,
its compromise."
to my friends out there who dwell on their singlehood : another insight to the world of relationships.
~
Had a really really good chat with Dennis yesterday afternoon at Sun Moulin. Of course i did most of the talking. He is just so humble when expressing himself.
I managed to voice out alot of my random thoughts on society and filtered them a bit. I never had a coherent, full argument on this issue and yesterday was probably my first breakthrough.
I decided that our root problem is , i quote this retired associate Professor i met on the bus,
" This society is too materialistic now (to pay attention to things like .... *gestures to me* literature) ... "
And seriously, some of these words like 'materialistic world' have been so overused, that people no longer pay attention to them any more. People overlook this phrase in arguments or complaints. They underestimate or simply ignore the effects of materialism (just to quote one of the many words).
You do not understand the kind of fear and awe i felt when i heard the old man say the above in the bus.
Revolution is never dead in my heart. Death in Sandman once said, "Change or be dead."
I quote a phrase from a book i read (loosely translated)
" Intellectuals ( Zhi1 Shi4 Fen4 Zi3 ) can never be satisfied with their environment and that is what keeps a society advancing "
Of course i don't think i am an intellectual (yet) . I lack the courage of a revolutionist and the education and discipline and many many other elements. But i cannot see myself going down the path that so many others walked. I cannot see myself functional in a huge materialistic and metallic rodentwheel. There are so many dreams i have , so many dreams i need to discover. Its reward enough just to be chasing after them. Fulfilling them is only an added bonus.
I expressed alot of these airy views in general and also in detail during my chat with dennis. It was quite engaging really.
But i look around sometimes and i wonder,
am i strong enough?
i realised i have to keep my material wanting constantly awake and indulge in it, because without it,
i think and see too much for my own good.
to qisheng : i have to talk to you soon. i am feeling unsettled.
to dennis : upon further thought, my conclusion at this stage is,
move out or be normalised.
~
I can not tell you how much i wish everyone read.
and for those who read,
i can not tell you how much more i wish everyone could go read chinese literature.
then i would tell you to go read
Zui Hou de Gui Zu.
~
Once i was a child,
i would say,
"this world is so cruel. its materialistic and superficial."
People would only see the angst. The words would fall flat. They say,
"Angry youth. I was there once. it'll go away. "
Some would say,
"They haven't even grown up. You haven't even seen the world."
or
"That's life."
But now when i say
"this world is materialistic and superficial."
I hope you can see that i mean what i say,
see "materialistic"
in its definition in the dictionary,
in your unpresumptious understanding of its implications and associations,
in its totality.
~
I know soon to be doctors. i know real doctors. i know managing directors. i know housewives. i know the unemployed. i know cashiers. i know waiters. i know students. i know singers.
for anyone who is about to go into the arts,
be the best or be the rest.
its as tough as it sounds. i don't want to be the unaccomplished writer. i will rather be a... typist. (i cannot name my 2 most dreaded professions here for political correctness, dennis)
They always have use for the top engineer, the not so smart engineer and the E grade engineer. But there's no room for an E-grade writer. And lets not fool ourselves, there are still standards around here, the readers and the WRITERS know better.
~
such proper thoughts. haha. i miss this kind of drive.
yay. sorry this is so long. hope you survived.
good night!
allnightlong : Tori Amos' " From the Choirgirl's Hotel "
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