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Saturday, July 03, 2004
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The running last night kept me up till (with the adrenaline rush) 3am. So naturally i slept till 12 noon again. My legs felt like chewed gum and i felt like lying down forever. Well that's that, and i should be going for another run after finishing this entry. gone crazy liao. Must beat dele. At ALL costs.
~
Quite a fruitful day. In terms of completing things i've always wanted to do. Finally got a chance to finish my Tori Amos " Welcome to Sunny Florida " Concert DVD. Cos my parents weren't around or they would be complaining that the music's too loud (my brother did that anyway but heck him.) I still love tori. And she's SUPER weird. Like groping her crotch when she sirened for "These Precious Things" , shooting a middle finger out at the "girls that never gain weight" in her song "Father Lucifer"(CHEERS to that!) and having irregularly timed spasms throughout her playing. And as someone (i think neil gaiman) said, she looked like she's making love to her piano stool.
And i still think she's a charm, altho mi bro really doesn't think so. in fact he thinks she's ugly but oh well, she IS 40 plus.
And i also got to watch the Italian/French movie "Malena" whose VCD i borrowed from dele. I watched the show before on SCV and loved it. And dele bought it. She hated it cos (i quote) "what are the men doing? they are comparing the sizes of their penises!" (she thinks it some really stupid erotic show) haha. it's not even VERY arty but i like the feel of the show.
It's about (put simply) a 12 year old boy's infatuation with Malena, a gorgeous lady whose reputation among town men were usually fuelled by erotic fantasies and among women driven by jealousy and insecurity. It's interesting how the boy's love was so 'real' as it was pure sometimes (like how he teared when she had to sleep with other men for bread and sugar , and how he dreams of asking her to wait for him to grow up) and yet erotic at others (like relieving himself while listening to a song Malena danced to, imagine himself peeping up her dress) which is such an appropriate and adequate reflection of what kind of feelings most men go through. Never purely taiwanese ou xiang ju lovey dovey crap .
It's sorta like a comedy with comic characters like his dad who is the most hilarious person in the show (nailing boards on his window and locking his son in when he realised he stole Malena's undergarments to sleep with; bringing him to a prostitute to relieve his sexual appetite) but still hugely romantic cos the show is filmed from the angle of the boy who is constantly stalking her with his new bike. The innocence of the boy, praying to a certain idol in a church asking that 'saint' to take care of Malena for a few years before he grew up and he'll 'take over' and then damaging the statue when she had to sleep with a lawyer to pay for her lawsuit.
Pretty interesting. Gonna ask dele to give it to me if she doesn't like it. hehe.
~
yawn. i wanna go out. but no1 wanna go out wif me. *glum look*
not that i dun wanna ask but i can't think of any1 to go out with!
like the ppl are either working or i just met up with them or i normally dun meet up with them 1-on-1 or the other 99 reasons.
And i dun wanna go out alone today.
But it's a SATURDAY! *grumbles* a long weekend somemore. someone better ask me out NOW. (i haven't even received an sms or a phonecall today.) No potential ppl are online for me to ask. And i'm feeling LAZY.
i'm just being whiny. but the last saturday night i spent at home was realli long ago and i dun wanna make an exception today. boo.
and i wanna wear my new sandals or shoes.
~
i think i'll be seriously exhilarated with a earhole. I'll be grinning from ear to ear. haha. then i'll start getting tired of ppl asking me "WHY?" , suffer my relatives' interrogations and oh hell, my parents' wrath (or more like bewilderment+resignation+cross since i'm old already).
We'll see.
~
My 100th post. I am one noisy fish.
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Yay! i found this song finally! Always hear it on radios and was wondering who sang it. It's a super retro song. Rocks. I love finding songs like they were some old friend.
Review: It's a bit diva-ish towards the end. But it's a nice song. And i ask, " Where does my heart beat now ? " *chuckles* Shu2 Si3 Le4.
Celine Dion - Where Do Silent Hearts Go
So much to believe in - We were lost in time
Everything I needed
Fell into your eyes
Always thought of keeping
Your heart next to mine
But now that seems so far away
Don't know how love could leave
Without a trace
Where do silent hearts go?
Where does my heart beat now
Where is the sound
That only echoes through the night
Where does my heart beat now
I can't live without
Without feeling it inside
Where do all the lonely hearts go
Candle in the water - Drifting helplessly
Hiding from the thunder-
Come and rescue me
Driven by hunger -
Of the endless dream
I'm searching for the hand that I can hold
I'm reaching for the arms that let me know
Where do silent hearts go?
Where does my heart beat now
Where is the sound
That only echoes through the night
Where does my heart beat now
I can't live without
Without feeling it inside
Where do all the lonely hearts go
Where do all the lonely hearts go
Then one touch overcomes the silence
Love still survives
Two hearts needing one another
Give me wings to fly
Where does my heart beat now
Where is the sound
That only echoes through the night
Where does my heart beat now
I can't live without
Without feeling it inside
I've got someone to give my heart to
Feel it getting stronger and stronger
And stronger
And I feel inside
Hearts are made to last
Till the end of time
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egad. it was not until today that i realised to my horror, i actually have my blog address on my icq. dat isn't good. cos it was supposed to be exclusive. well, i might have jus offended more ppl without knowing it. but dat's me isn't it.
~
met meiling today. it's so very reassuring to meet meiling most of the time. she still grumbles at me, scolds me and also still fusses over me (oh dun deny it.). And we always have ridiculous arguments like how i told her she should not buy pancakes mixes cos it's so much more meaningful and fun to make her own (and they are easy to do too! i have e receipe somemore). And she would keep grumbling and saying she dun have a whisk, dun wanna buy flour and eggs cos they would have no use after dat, she won't manage to make them in e end bla bla. haha. hilarious. i love our petty disagreements. i won anyway. but i feel very happy around her anyway.
and i must say, she has a way of making the smallest stuff sound so important. like how she and lihui would be talking abt how hilo milk is better than marigold, wat brands of milk starbuck uses, how multigrain bread is tasteless, how to choose strawberries, how bran cereals are "a bit sweeter", how she likes artificial sweetener and a whole dictionary of "Meilinginity" and i can't helping remembering all her little likes and dislikes like they were some compulsory read. and i must say i know quite alot. haha. but i still irritate her alot. haha. qing2 diao4 mah. *winks*
lihui is ridiculous too! she says peaches can be picked from trees (well so are apples and oranges...*queer look*). and she is so frank and silly sometimes u jus cannot bear to use a harsh word or expression on her. (we met lihui at rivervale mall.)
Lihui's job at rivervale mall is so slack! haha and it pays $6.50 an hour. she just sits at the booth and sets it up neatly (and the setting up just requires her to put a stack of paper on the table..hahha) Then the 3 of us just talked non-stop till her dinner break at 5. And she jus closed the booth for dinner! haha. by using those elastic band barricades to seal off her little table at the escalator and then put her little notice which says "Will be back shortly" ! It's so funny. like a little jia1 jia1 jiu3 thingy.
And when we came back at 6 to the booth, she barely 'opened' it for 20 min when she decided (with much honey-toothed persuasion fm meiling) to 'close' it to walk us to compasspoint! till 7 plus somemore! best thing is , her manager might not know. wah lel.
~
Had dinner with jiabin. rejecting to have pasta mania with stomach as an upset, it didn't make much sense when i decided to have north indian food instead. :P Asked a bit about his europe trip - sigh i wanna go too but i dun have $3800 at my disposal. *resigned look* We had lotsa fun crapping about Ah Ho, Teo Chi Hsien's son (we saw him exiting Hyatt Hotel with a girl and both in HC uniform! talking about really ROYAL hangouts.) , movies and more. I think i realise that i dun want my friends to ask me about my problems most of the time, it's so much better if i could feel dat i could talk about wat i usually do with them and do so and forget abt mi problems. And as meiling said, alot of my emotions are hidden underneath (i dun show) , dat's why most of mi frens behave normally ard me, she seems to know me better than i know miself. Anyway, yah, jiabin and i met jasmine who was sitting jus opposite us at the Scotts foodcourt. She kept pointing her accusatory finger straight at me and warning (with a deadpan serious look) : " U better turn up for the next Jap outing !" And jasmine says the weirdest things sometimes, like the following conversation:
Jas: So where are u going after NS?
Me : Oh. China.
Jas: REALLY?? (with a really "REALLY" expression)
Me : Yes really.
Jas: To do?
Me : Chinese lah. I'm a MOE scholar.
*drum roll*
Jas: NONSENSE!!!
(that was quite hilarious. i mean, wat does she mean by "nonsense"?!?! haha)
Me : WAT NONSENSE!
Jas: When was ur chinese ever good? I bet i m better than u are!
Me : I'm sure.
Jas: WAT. I speak Chinese at home to my mom!
(haha and she thinks she's better. so ridiculous. i tell u, she's says such clueless stuff, u can't help thinking she's a bit ditsy sometimes...and so we ended up promising we have a duel of Chinese Pictionary the next time we meet up. feng le. )
~
haha. i FINALLY got my sandals! for 15.90 only! quite a buy! with help fm meiling, she's so much more helpful an assistant shopper than jj is. jj would jus say everything i like is ugly. which isn't help AT ALL. It's nice and black. can't wait to wear it. (btw lihui said it was ugly too.. UNTIL it went on mi feet. :P)
I'm going to go down to chinatown and GET ALL my tori albums. I decided i shouldn't only stick to verbal, spiritual displays of support for my goddess but get down to action and add a few more dollars into her pocket. And burn a hole in mine as a result. sigh... choices choices.
yay. ran for 45 min today AFTER ALL. i realli wanted to had too many appts at hand. It was almost impossible cos i woke up at 12 and i was rushing here and there liao (aggravated by one anonymous asshole >:P) . And i remembered telling adele (who ran 4 times in 5 days.. i tell u she's one crazy, ultradisciplined person) i would DEF. run today. And i DID! at 11:20 pm. bout 2hrs plus after eating my heavy North Indian meal. It was burning in my body, i almost wanted to puke as i ran. but oh well, it was not TOO terrible. But i'm poofed. I feel like my body jus got ran over by a steamroller. super tired. I ran quite a bit today. Quite fast i thought. hehe. NIKE REALRUN HERE I COME!!! *nike drifit tee too *grin grin* (ah zhao> i heard u have started ur training too. LAI BA!! KAN4 ZHAO1!! *shoots a fei1 biao1* LOL)
(sudden thought)
With frens like huili and huiting who go queueing for e $5 durian food fest buffet, how can u blame me for loving to eat? gluttony friends, dat's where e blame shld go. :P and ppl like boon n meiling who bought CHOCS for me. haha. appreciated aniwae. ate kueh tutu for e FIRST time in mi life (got laughed at by MEILING and lihui > the insult! from Ms. never-eaten-half-boiled-egg and never-drank-teh-si-be4! ) it's quite nice but oneh oneh is nicer, i think.
~
i am seriously considering getting a left earhole soon. oh bring on the negative comments. >:P
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Wednesday, June 30, 2004
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It must be either exhausting or interesting or a mix of both to have a friend like me. For the concerned, i'm sure they would be tired of hearing about my angst, my depressions, my loneliness , my perpetual state of feeling lost and then having amnesia for a short while and stumbling back in. And if they had to know "how is zhengyi", the happiness-timeline (x-y) graph is usually below universal average (if everyone is what they look like on tv and on e streets). A bit like y = (sin x) - 0.5 or sth like dat. But noone's always happy except a fool. But i think i'm too rarely happy.
And well, for the other frens who probably are concerned too, have been reading my blog but seem to be able to disguise any trace of whatever impact my words left on them. And no no dun get me wrong. I don't want u ppl to show any sympathy or anything like that. And zhengyi means it when he says it. (oh my god, 'sympathy' would be both impossibly inadequate and inappropriate) Just keep reading my blog would be enough for me. Yeah. But i just find it very interesting how many ppl (whom i think read my blog), behave so normally around me like i didn't just write a really (oh maybe i'm the only one who thinks it is?) disturbing entry on death and depressions and loneliness and blablabla nonsense. OR maybe all these friends are afraid of the zhengyi they never knew existed. OR maybe they know me all too well and roll their eyes after reading. haha. it's jus so fun to think what expression each and everyone of you have when you read my more...serious entries. *furrows brow* but it'll be quite a letdown if people jus read with a poker face and finished reading with one. Do at least have a concerned look. haha. i'm such a freak. i mean, WHO says stuff like these?
i'm a bit disappointed in life. i must say. I've got the resigned look and i'm shaking my head now. Like Life just walked up to me and asked me " How did i do? ". And i gave a thumbsdown. I am not angry or sad or anything like dat. Jus sorta like "cheah." . I'm in the escaping from reality mood. Like how life turned out is totally independant from my own intentions and actions. haha. Like it's a new brand of icecream i tried (called "After 17") and sucked big time. (and i'll wake up some other day i reaised i actually made that brand of icecream --> dat's when i write stuff like Lonely Popcorn) Today i just wanna step aside, take a nice cane and (not push of cos)discreetly and slowly shift the Blame to a side and roll my eyes for a bit instead of hating myself.
And i'm amazed. I look at ALL these people around me. How do they go on? It's like freaking forever man. Like they keep going on and about, duties , schedules, people, no people, food, no food, good food, silly stuff, music, diaries, swans, love, tv, euro 2004 , parade clothes and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. No wonder delight became delirium. I can't really draw a systematic conversion diagram but i think i get the idea. I always think people around me (with the exception of my friends) are superficial, trivial, simple-minded and happy. Which makes me feel superior, intense, thinking and unhappy. Then i realise everyone isn't happy. and i'm not superior. And everyone's thinking too. And i'm still unhappy. I'm going crazy am i not?
I think it's the lack of trivia. The lack of superficiality. The lack of things. I've got too many thoughts, too many ideas , too much emotions and too many inspirations. I need to watch VCDs, watch movies, watch TV, look at photos, have sex, read gossip columns, talk about ships, cars, birds, flutes, food and everything under the sun dat has a preset, standard way of commenting on it. Like how i look at a sportscar and i jus naturally say "wow." and how i look at a plate of food and just decide i like it or not. Stop analysing. Stop thinking. Stop admiring. And stop letting things affect me or touch me. We like to do that too much sometimes don't we. Occupy myself. I should shop or sth.
What on earth is going on?
Maybe the comfort and monotony is getting to me. I should be a streetchild stealing bread. Then i wouldn't think of how this bread would meanmymotherwillnotbakeformeeveragainifshediesoneday. I should be a horny pub-goer. Then i would wanna sleep with women every night and notthinkmoralsnotthinkpuritynotthink. I should be the student i was. piled up with work and other obligations, then there wouldn't be time to evaluate myself and type ridiculous blogs like these.
I need to do something to my life. Or wait till life does something to me. And that just sounds really really weird and scary.
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