sugar, give me sugar

Thursday, May 06, 2004

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a msn conversation: (revised)

adele says:
pariah eh? haha
yi : e pariah says:
yep
yi : e pariah says:
i realised that's wat i've been for a long long time
yi : e pariah says:
in e general sense of cos
yi : e pariah says:
and i've worked so hard to be popular and made myself out to be so full of myself that people tend to respect my character
adele says:
zhengyi
adele says:
it's not good being a pariah
yi : e pariah says:
i know
yi : e pariah says:
but i can't help it. i dun like soccer
adele says:
huh
adele says:
haha
adele says:
what a strange reason
yi : e pariah says:
i mean
yi : e pariah says:
i dun like wat most guys SHOULD like
yi : e pariah says:
i dun like talking abt girls like things
yi : e pariah says:
i dun like talking abt stupid stuff
yi : e pariah says:
haha somehow w ppl like u , zhao and jj, stupid stuff takes on ANOTHER definition too
yi : e pariah says:
and i'm interested in stuff ppl dun understand
yi : e pariah says:
Chinese dat is
yi : e pariah says:
and i hate to have to feel abit ashamed and embarrassed that i dun like sports and cars and guns and planes
yi : e pariah says:
doesn't help dat some ppl tend to cross the line and ask me in a genuinely sympathetic manner : " Why dun u watch soccer? "
yi : e pariah says:
and den follow up hopefully , " wat abt arcade ? "
yi : e pariah says:
and den finally "comics? " where i'll jus say yes. and they heave a sigh of relief for ME? charity?

I realise i've been awkward for all my life. Never completely comfortable, always a little out of the line, behind the crowd, in front of the business - with my ass always sticking a little out of the chair at the edges (not only cos i'm fat).

I've tried very hard. I have really. And i've done well. I mean, looking back at all that have happened to me in school. I've managed to be manageably popular, reasoning to myself that to be any more popular, i would be as disgusting as those leaders of packs. I've always had the right number of cliques - enough to hold out those empty dark times in life. I'm able to socialise and whisk my way in and out of social groups - the soccer players, the SNAGS , the corny , the kind, the eccentric, the ladies, the colleagues :- dancing in between them and earning a certain respect towards my character.

And yet i still am frustrated that i don't like soccer.
That i still feel a pinch or sometimes a bite at some hollow in my chest, (i hate myself for it) when people mention Monaco and Chelsea, Champions League and Van Nistelrooy. I have to find my way to quietly , discreetly and still proudly take my leave , either mentally or physically. I cannot bring myself to scorn at the game or at these soccer fanatics or at the whole definition of masculinity that society have unkindly shaped. I usually throw my head back, smile to myself, sigh so softly noone hears it and then stand up and hum to myself and walk away.

There. I've done it so well from sec 1 till now. The genius at running-away-from-soccer-conversations. Or i sit through it , staring blankly, laughing at jokes when Wesley decides to make some comment abt Arsenal buying over some player (how in e world do they remember all the names? ) (of cos not laughing too much, in case they find it odd that i'm laughing at something i hardly know) and then quickly go off for a breather when there are silences in between.

Likewise for car , OTHER sports, women, sex and porn conversations. Which essentially leaves me with work, media , general issues and miscellaneous issues. Which is really enough. Considering the frequency distance i stand fm this people. Not only my army mates but just every guy i've known. And with girls, i just can't relate to most of their interests (which is in a lot of ways, a relief). Except some like dele and lau, where we'll talk about everything that's either on a big/general/social/political/human scale or everything that's deep/emotional/passionate like friends and love, and food and fun and weirdness.

So why am i complaining? Cos i've got to go through this all my life, being in a new environment --- guys always stick with guys and girls with girls at first (part of the sextity thing). I will not break ice cos i do not say i play basketball, like the new Nissan Moony or dig that sex icon's cleavage. Then i wander around lost, targetting possible eccentrics and other 'pariah's, talking abt *urgh* life with them and other possible topics, make new friends who will all form the "Not Sporty" club and feel awkward altogether.

I dun reject having such friends u know, in fact they make up a majority of my friend base now and i'm glad cos they are what that makes me feel like i'm not a REAL pariah. But sometimes things could be more convenient. But oh well, that's wat makes me so unique isn't it? * hopefully *

It has always been my greatest weakness and greatest strength to reveal my vulnerability so crudely to people. And i never ever denied my disinterest for sports. Which probably makes me so much less a man.

And i had to like Chinese, Literature, pick up the flute (oh CAN u imagine the kind of pressure i went through when people asked me what instrument i was learning? the "guitar?", "drums?" ) and like reading,writing and singing more than kicking, bouncing and smacking. No regrets over these interests tho. It's tough being a 'normal' guy, there's many many books and rules we SHOULD read BEFORE we determine our interests and inclinations in our mom's womb (after we know our gender of cos).

But i've always said, I'm so much more of a human than a man.

5/06/2004 08:54:00 PM

Monday, May 03, 2004

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** Back by popular demand **

UPDATES

haha. joking. but i did receive complaints for not updating my blog.
i jus lacked inspiration, but William sorta gave me the final push, with the release of his new album , ahem " INSPIRATION " which I condemn THROUGH and THROUGH.

It is ridiculous, an insult to music and also to us Asians. I mean, okay, let him on a few shows, haha, let them point at his bug-tooth and have a good laugh, i'm okay with vicious mockery. Whether he is ashamed or even conscious of how ridiculous the entire matter is, i'm fine, but an ALBUM? And my dream is to cut an album. How silly this dream sounds right now. Debut ALBUM? He does great injustice to the term, so what is Damien Rice then? On par with him? Both "musicians" who have had their "first albums" and what if Hung sells better? The horror! Stupid record companies. Wasting good money on producing what I could EASILY produce with laxatives - the money should be used for NKF instead. keke.

Okay, the reason why i didn't blog for some time was cos i was on a meditation period again, rethinking my existence, identity and bonds. As usual, doing what isn't good for me- thinking too much. But it has been very rejuvenating. For i sorted out some things (at least for now) that have bothered me for so long and i feel like my direction in life is all of a sudden much clearer. Whether it is temporary or not, no matter. Live now.

I am STILL in love with Tori Amos. *no HUGE surprise i suppose*
With the addition of 3 more songs that topped Zheng Yi's charts.
" Hey Jupiter " , " Talula " and " Caught A Lite Sneeze "

And for the less adventurous (or less angry), i recommend Peter, Paul and Mary's "5000 miles" (courtesy of zzy) and for the time to time dosage of bubblegum, pinkiebarbie pop , Cyndi Wang's " Ai Ni " - cute song. (first time i heard a singer going TE2 in a song, as in seriously whining "Ai NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII", how careless!)

I am still itching to bake. Next up, marble cake and breadn'butter pudding (courtesy of cris' mom's receipe)

I feel much more comfortable with my choice of studying Chinese recently.
After i picked up 2 great books. My usual reading material consists of works by dead writers who write about stuff that i can hardly relate to cos they are so backdated and so distant (distantly China too).
Su Tong is quite a remarkable writer. (oh yeah, like ANYONE will be busy scribbling down this name for reference )

Didn't turn up for 2 council gatherings to date.
The significance and relevance of each outing wanes.
Cos not many ppl turn up nowadays (and yes, i contribute to that too, i know) and the people i WANT to meet there , i meet on individual or clique basis.
I don't feel any guilt though. Less guilt , more pride, my new slogan.
Probably a little to ah zhao.

So glad lau n dele's coming back! :)
diff timings tho. Lau : late may to end june. Dele early july till ??? .
They'll miss each other, but i get to conc. my attention one by one. good.

Things always turn out alright dun they. they HAVE to somehow.
its hard not to be complacent sometimes, to think that things always do turn out fine and we shouldn't worry so much or put in so much effort to ensure that they do.
Like the parade rehearsals i was expecting to start in early May? Got postponed to early June so that's another month of freedom for me.
And sometimes i actually think i'm REALLY optimistic, or whatever u call that, cos i tend to overlook the bad parts of life (unless they are right in my face like e stoopid parade),
like only now did i realise i will be burning 3 of my saturdays away consecutively and i realli don't feel as bad as i am entitled to feel! That's how zheng yi survives army. With a bit of his old charm *chuckles*, slyness and optimism.

MEDIA
i got to watch half of SHE's miniconcert in sg. haha. Hebe sux, keep "walking-pitch", luckily got my Selina and Ella to hold her pitch down. Diu ren.
And a bit of Billboard charts, Clay aiken realli looks sissy man. Haha, flipped when i saw his dead-rat expression when some guy mentioned a gay joke directed to him. And that host also said outright : " Evanescence sucks. " haha. Americans are so stupid.
And a bit of HK Movie Awards : hope that Mr. Tang isn't just publicity-hungry when he went up stage to receive some achievement award for Zhang Guo Rong. It's realli quite moving.

So Yao Shun made it to I-weekly cover. That just means, I-weekly has got its "Ugliest Magazine Cover" nomination for their 40th anniversary. She looks H-I-D-E-O-U-S.
YAO JING.
She shld be shot. honest. not with darts.

Ou Xuan's not doing too well in the Spicy Siblings 9 pm Ch 8 show. But she looks so good. haha. And i hate myself for looking forward to the 7pm Fish Fillet show (ridiculous) cos its jus ANOTHER Holland V.

Y-Kant-Singaporean Scriptwriters- Move- ON???
We're more than just Ah Beng, Local food, HDB flats, Aunties and Family.
There are definitely more general (and more specific) stuff to write about! COME ON.
i might consider going there after mi bond expires. They NEED "INSPIRATION". and young blood.

General
I jus realised i'm old. :(
Really really. Sick.

oh man. Ah Wing has got new songs - I recommend Dream Lover - on her site.
She is heelarious. hee hee.

Haagen Daaz banana quite rocks. Mom got me some cos she won bout $200 on mahjong. Of course i asked for it, she is SO selfish.

My mom is starting to show signs of influence from her ah soh mahjong kakees. She seems to be making alot of ahsoh-ish, as hokkien describes "zhi2" comments, like:

Me: " Mom , u know what day is the coming sunday? "
Mom (wiping e table) : " Dunno. What day? "
Me : " Mother's DAY LAH. That's y i change duty wat."
Mom (nonchalantly) : " Cheah. How i know, I don't have mother what. "

WAH LAU. wahhaha. i threatened to beat her for that. keke. So irritating. Jus cos granny's dead, she say this kind of (quote fm junjie .. wahhaa ) "BLASPHEMIOUS" thing.

Oh and think my dad was beating mi bro and mom up (in the playful sense) cos he was going on and on about a not-exactly-funny occurence he met with when he went shopping for fondue cheese (yay! dinner!) , and after he ended and walked away:

Mom : " Wah. He very luo suo hor."
Bro : " Ya. And not even funny mah. "

Haahaa then mi bro told mi dad mi mom said dat. "TELLTALE"
and mi mom told mi dad mi bro said dat. "TELL TALE TWO"
They both got walloped. keke.
Heard mom's laughing and squealings from inside. Old people. *shakes head*

Okay that's all for today folks. I'm getting numb fingers.

5/02/2004 07:09:00 PM