sugar, give me sugar

Thursday, February 09, 2006

0 comments

i have never been able to completely alter my life or my attitudes or my character. i always preserve a part of me to an exclusive group of people, the true 'me'. if i were to resolve to be hard-hearted and distant, i will keep that warmth for those people. if i were to resolve to be tactful and reserved, i will still be that thrashmouth for those people. It could be the reluctance to change. Or the incapability to do so. I don't know.

But i know people who can. There are people who can, for the sake of someone they love, change into someone else, for better or worse, that is unimportant. There are people who can shut their doors on all their past and cocoon themselves, when they reappear, they flutter past you, neither proud nor ashamed, and no longer recognises you.

The harshness of life deals its timely blow, knocking us down over and over again.
The tender skin gets cut and heals, it bruises and heals. sometimes before it heals, it is cut again. and this goes on, leaving scars on our knees. And later on, calluses. Something in the sun cringes as our young mouths scream those bitter resolutions.

Not to trust. Not to put too much faith. Not to be hopeful. Not to rely on friends.

It is part of growing up. I say this without any hint of sarcasm or resignation. It is. And nothing will convince you until you do grow up. It is like death. You are never sure about whats in for you until you are there.

But i am not saying i am happy with this outcome. There are people in life who i admire, who always look to Hope when in doubt. They continue believing. I feel defeated when i encounter them. I hoax them with my cynicism. I tempt them with my dark philosophies. I wish to see them falter, to see them show distrust. I turn away, sneering, thinking, what a turd. But in my heart, i wish i could believe. Because winning in life is ultimately about being happy. And being hopeful is believing you might be happy. You, my cynic, and i will never be there. And so we wait, for our own saviours.

~

i realise that everyone in my inner circle is either in their very first relationship or have never been in a relationship before.

So i talk about love now.
(note : the love i mention in this passage refers to the love between couples and not family or friends)

I fear that love is overrated. In certain aspects of it.
It is also misused. misinterpreted. misleading.
3 misses and 1 over. I make love seem like a fraud.

Its the media. Its the stories. Its the price jackup during valentine's day. Its him stroking her neck in front of you. Its the SDU. Its the loneliness and that one-room-flat in Sin Ming.

All these and more have completely crumbled the worth of mono-existence.
"You are not complete until you find someone."
"All i want in life is a partner."
"I want to get attached. That is the only thing i want. "
"I can't believe i have never fallen in love before."

I hear hearts skip a beat as they read these familiar quotes. My heart did. I ever said such stuff too. I am not mocking the desperation (or the cheese) in these lines. I am showing US what we have made our lives out to be. From perfectly self-sufficient and glorious humans, we have allowed society and ourselves and alotttt of jap dramas turn us into flimsy cardboard pieces in a 2-piece-jigsaw puzzle (for polygamous people, its X-piece-jigsaw puzzle). Its interesting.

I am not higher than this. I am a victim as well. I am just more capable of stepping out of the stars from time to time. I am stating a phenomenen. I see shaking heads, but i will go on.

From the skin of love, we go deeper.

I just realised that love is one of the very few things that everyone is capable of.

Is it not amazing?

I was about to dissect love into conjury, sexual needs, societal needs etc. Then i realised that not everyone is a cynical, paranoid, manic depressive (overover)thinker that i am. So what is love to others? From the white-haired iron-fisted politician to the cross-eyed trishaw rider who never shaves. What is love to them?

So i realised my analysis is useless. It only applies to me, impresses some, disgusts some and confuses another 'some'. So i can only approach the topic of love from the more superficial and day-to-day aspects.

here i go.

for something as undefinable as love, there are still common grounds where the politician has to sit on the trishaw to get across.

If you haven't already set aside your first relationship as the sacrifice, maybe you should. It usually doesn't work out. And it makes sense. You could prove me wrong but from statistics, it is more likely to get your titration right on the 3rd attempt than the 1st. Love isn't titration but you get the drift.

If you insist, then you probably should take note of a few things. Hold your reins on those expectations. Once again, i repeat, expectations kill. Don't go into a relationship hoping for the kinda fluff you see on tv. I'm not quite sure of the precedence of events, but somehow instead of thinking 'oh its REALLY like in the tvs' when doing the lovey dovey stuff, i think we're more likely to think "i'm in a relationship, i SHOULD be doing those stuff i see on TV" and you do it. Media influence. How i wish i was born in a farm and love would be all NZ-natural.

Don't go into love thinking "hey i'm ready for love. i need to love someone." Thats really unfair. The someone out there might not be ready ya know. I no longer believe in "The One". The 'someone' i'm referring to is that person you 'decide' to give your love. We're all too egocentric, we think that love is a harmless thing and we are ready, so we can just go impose it on someone who isn't ready to accept. Think again.

Compromise. Not butterflies. :)
its amazing how we all know what love is made up of and still want it like venezia on a hot day. Love demands we change. Love demands we give way. Love demands we compromise our ideals, our dreams, our not so glamourous habits, our work, our LIVES. The good news is its gradual. Cos if he asks you to "Hey would you stop jumping your eyebrows?" on the first date, he knows he isn't gonna get you. So he waits. Till the 7th date. And you too, decide to ask him not to fart in public on the 8th. Hurray. These are small changes. Of course the most popular argument ever is :

A: "Why are you always like that? can't you change for MY sake? since you love me and i love you!"

B: "If you loved me, you would not ask me to change, you would accept me for WHO I AM. "

A: "I love you so i hope we become better people together! So i wish you'd change, i'll change for you if u asked me to!"

B: "I don't ask you to change because i love you enough. "

I'm more of an A person. I believe that love is not solely beneficial to the spirit but also improves people on the whole. Where you allow someone to come into your life and know you for who you really are and have the 'authority' and more importantly, the desire to make you change. Its allowing that person who really cares for you to tell you whats wrong. But i'm B sometimes. I'm B when i'm asked to change something i'm either very proud of or very ashamed of. B is defensive. But B is also a more accepting lover. we're all As and Bs sometimes. And since we are good at this role reversal, we should be able to empathise both ways and resolve the argument more efficiently :).

Love is something that is 100% 50-50. What do i mean? I mean it is (ideally) an affair where both persons have equal share. More important than anything, love should be about both parties giving the same amount willingly. If A decides to be the giver all the time while B is just ya know hawaiiing around, then for A and B to be together, either A has to stop giving so much or B has to get his ass moving. The media says : "Love is about giving your all regretlessly." Thats bull. Of course there are people who are so hopelessly devoted to their partners and give everything they can, thats touching in a 10-episode-dorama, but try it for 10 months realtime, you'll be burning poems and smashing photoframes before you know it.

When do you know you're in love with a person? How does love look like? so you don't miss it or mistake someone else for it and blurt "Hey i love you!" on the streets when you don't mean it yet?

You don't. There isn't a scale here. We're not piling up affection and concern till it hits the 72.8 kg mark (whines) and then saying "YES WE ARE (by the scale) IN LOVE!" Not measured by time either. old-couple-syndrome. sometimes a certain event proves that you love someone. then you find out. you might be late, but eventually you find out.

Give love a rest. Stop giving it too many duties. Ishtar has her mahjong sessions from time to time, she needs her time. Take off some of her burden and give it to her friends like Companionship and Lust. What do i mean? Don't keep thinking "Do i still love him?" You're not in it only for that gaseous thing called love. You're in it cos you just need someone to sms you goodnight, to catch that movie with you, to talk to when you're in the dumps. Thats Companionship. And as for Lust, you know what i mean. She reaffirms that love has to be a little bit superficial.

Well thats about it.
But what do i know?
But i'm sure of one thing :

if you want to be in love, be happily in love. otherwise, screw it.

2/09/2006 10:16:00 AM