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Thursday, March 11, 2004
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A night where you just can't let down your defences. depression lurks nearby.
- 10:03 pm.
~
For the concerned, I am still coughing still. Now it's less of a dry or a wet cough but a very airy one. Like i'm actually sneezing from my mouth. It's more frequent now and not better.
~
I have made the first move.
I will not suffer a relationship that is lopsided. Whether or not it is in my favour.
I understand how certain people can be deeply hurt once and from there, decide never to "give" again. I can understand. But i will not allow myself to be a victim to someone else's past.
Your company has been exalting really. You , i once boasted proudly to my peers, were one of the ppl that could really make me happy. But i realised that is not enough. I probably wouldn't have had all these thoughts if i wasn't going overseas. But the fact that i'll be leaving this country for a good 4 years next year has made me realise that i cannot waste time on relationships that will exhaust themselves once put to the test of distance. Especially since i've witnessed what distance can do to even the strongest bonds.
I do not appreciate the fact that our friendship only renews itself when we meet up and definitely not so, when i have been the only one initating these meetings all along. I question my value. Not a word of concern from time to time, not an sms to ask how i've been and not even asking others how i've gotten by. Superficial and trivial these examples are. But i'm afraid i'm not a person who can live on knowing we are friends. If you think i (and my clique) are just friends who are at ur beck and call, think again. We're not just names in your appointment book. And i am eager to prove that to you. I sound impulsive and i dun like sounding this way but i am angry and i am not about to hold myself back.
Yes, there will be photos and memories and letters.
I've done this before. Letting go of friends. Strangely familiar.
And i know : Once you're decided, you realise it is actually too easy.
~
Received an email from you.
I know its selfish of me to think so but how i hoped you could have been there for me when i needed someone badly.
Yes, but i remember why i didn't.
It pains me to hear that you are unhappy. Esp when i know this is more than jus normal mood swings.
I would want to share this burden of yours if i could. But i know i can't. And since it is a problem which involves issues which i have stated quite clearly i didn't like to hear of, it even makes it harder for me to help you and that depresses me greatly.
I am almost suffocated by the helplessness that i feel, the helplessness that would have driven u to seek my reassurance and comfort.
And it's even scarier when i realise that all these emotions are feeling so distant.
~
I'm a bit tired i realised.
Of all these maintenance issues (haha sounds like PUB) , of fulfilling promises and dreams and of answering to memories and past.
Despondant but already cheering up. Dun worry.
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Tuesday, March 09, 2004
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U know what 3 Panadols do to you?
Especially when you took it between 2 cold pills and 4 tsps of cough medicine?
It makes you feel reaaally high.
So high you'll stay up till 2am with those crazy campmates (who didn't take the panadol) strumming guitars and chanting nonsensical rubbish, singing Lovers' Concerto with a group of guys (brrrr.), running from bed to bed serenading sleepy bedmates and commenting on the ongoing mahjong session.
And it makes u NOT feel sick.
But it stops u from sleeping.
I dun really recommend it. Unless u need to stay up throughout the night. Or you really need your mom to get so furious that she wonders aloud if you had some mind problem.
Overdosage and e little highs it brings.
***
Learning Shanghainese from my Platoon Sergeant (born in Shanghai) in preparation for my overseas studies cos i heard Shanghainese speak the local tongue more than Chinese.
He's very patient really although he proclaims from time to time that i am absolutely hopeless.
But the dialect is really IMPOSSIBLE, it sounds like french:
Hou4 Tian1 (day after next) - Errrw Tee
Qian2 Tian1 (day before yes) - Zee Tee
?!??!?!?!
Haha but sth funny : Wo Men (US) = Allah!
***
Damien Rice's voice plucks the strings of my heart.
"I know some things in life may change
And some things they stay the same
Like time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time"
***
My feedback function WORKS. hah.
But now i'm subjected to the risk of disappointment that'll come when i dun receive any feedbacks...
I know it sounds like too much fuss over sth so trivial but.
***
My formula for females to rule the world :
Refuse to have sex with men. Till they agree to hand over ALL the nuclear weapons.
Trust me.
I derived this conclusion from 19 yrs of observation and the exposure to all the sex talk among my campmates.
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Sunday, March 07, 2004
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In silly impulse and a faint wish to splurge(urgh), i bought Damien's Rice's "0".
Had no idea who he was, only read a brief mention of him in i-weekly and yep, here i am, with a $19.90 cd in my hand.
Heard it while i was melting away on the massage chair.
Pretty good. Quite like it.
Damien Rice's " Cannonball "
~
feels quite good to know ppl read ur blog. :)
updated my recent songs thingy liao muying.
And qisheng and lisheng (TWO shengs) , can't believe how quickly u two jumped at the oppurtunity to tease me about my second attempt at BTT.
feel like getting a new main picture. see how.
~
archives is up!
but only can access each link from e first page so jus have to click, read, back to last page and click another archive link.
heh. for the bored or ppl who din read my old blogs.
~
cough is still bad. i have downed half a big bottle of cough medicine since last week. dunno wat's going on. *grumble*
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And for just a brief moment, leave your brief life (cheers to Sandman) and take a walk in a seemingly timeless realm.
You walk for 8 hours.
From 2 am to 10 am.
Borrowing the inspiration from chapter "24 Hours" from "Preludes and Nocturnes", i start to wonder how we spent that 8 hours.
And its hardly been a day, but it feels quite blurry already.
But i will not hasten to feel upset over how quickly we forget.
I would rather precipitate to evaluate and relive that 8 hours in memory.
***
The class (or whoever could have made it) decided to meet up for dinner and ktv.
Nothing much to highlight about that , except the fact that jy has an alarming knowledge of old chinese songs. I concede defeat. And we got a bit high towards e end (ktv to me is sth that should be conducted in a certain manner, cos of influence fm jj,sz and jb, so i thot that our class were just mild in comparision.)
Then muying, zzy and i decided to go back to school (hc) . And we did. At bout 1 plus am we took a night rider (174M for ppl who suddenly feel like popping by school at the wee hours ) down bukit timah and back to good ol' hc.
It was rather hilarious, buying stuff to get ready to stay vigil thruout the entire night ( i woke up at 520 am dat day, i was pretty screwed already ) and muying insisting that she should get e coffee our combi used to all drink in e school canteen jus cos zzy and i decided to get it in e first place.
Then we climbed e rear gate and did a bit of Bo Si Mao-styled sneaking ard, extremely paranoid (esp zzy) over any moving body or even e slightest sound. i was not realli worried bout e supernatural but rather dat uncle security guard chasing us out and ruining our plans for e 'night'.
Made our way up 'tian tang' (top floor of hc) and then hid our bags at some secluded area before proceeding to climb the roofs of our school.
And there we were, 2 guys and a girl, with milk, mineral water and coffee in a plastic bag, with sandals tucked into jeans, with the impulse of the young and free, making our away across the roofs to THE roof. The place never ceases to touch me. Be it the very first time i got on it, or now, whether day or night, there it was, overlooking what could well have been everything in the entire world for that moment, detached from everybody and everywhere, where serenity overwhelms u so subtlely and where your heart immediately opens up and secrets, dreams and sorrows plead to be shared with e friends around u. And it was 2 am.
Feeling slight discomfort, prob cos of e constricting fit of the jeans, slightly fearful of slipping and just as worried that e other 2 might, we started to talk. Like friends that meet everyday, friends that haven't met in 3 years. Just like friends in fact. Like friends do.
Never a moment of awkward silence, e 3 of us would never have dat kinda silence between us. We went on and on and on till we decided to get down cos ahem, SOMEONE needed the toilet. bathetic. But i actually didn't mind a change in venue cos the 'slight discomfort' was getting a bit on my nerves, i'd rather sit on good ol' concrete floors. The jeans or the sleepiness was making me a bit too wary of falling off that i couldn't converse in peace.
Moved on to hangout on the third floor that stretches out and overlooks the field. Stayed there till the sunrise.
***
my class, my clique , my combi. I really don't know what would be most appropriate in describing the two of them (with an addition of yeok who couldn't make it). Because it seems they encompass all 3 of these elements. If someone was to mention any three of e 'c's , they'll naturally and definitely pop up in my head. Doubtless.
Its quite magical with them. I feel so at ease that i would speak about almost anything. I am not particularly careful with words and secrets but i am also not a person who is comfortable with telling everyone what goes on with and around me.
And this 8 hours, were spent sharing views on life, love and friendships, cursing the very process of growing-up, confiding secrets, sharing unhappy pasts, laughing about common friends (or enemies in certain cases). How long could i keep up with this , i wonder sometimes. How long can i still talk about friends and loves and lives with such energy and freshness, repeat the same old philosophies and principles i have like i just discovered them? I wonder.
I confessed my insecurites as well as unease about certain wasting bonds and fading relationships. I spilled secrets.
The entire mood was melancholic. Filled with regret and resignation. Like things were just going to happen and we could not do anything about it. We sounded like adults clinging on desperately to their youth and passion. Or maybe we are. Learning from zzy, empathising with muying, evaluating my life as a first and third person simultaneously. I was, in a way, talking to myself, reflecting about my past and present. But it also felt real. It didn't feel like three silly people talking big for the sake of talking. It felt true for i cannot imagine anyone of us three being even slightly regretful that he or she came down. It felt warm and comfy. Like a family over dinner.
But as day came, it seemed as if things just started to brighten up. We started to get over our stories of lost and losing friends, how photos can jus remind you of the past, how busy lives and tired hearts wear relationships, how love is far and faith is weak, how friends used to fill up our lives and now strangers cramp it up, how time is cruel. We seemed to be able to forget those or at least, put them away for now. We started laughing about our friends and the incredibly ridiculous stuff they do and for then, i felt everything was alright. Maybe everything was and is still alright from the beginning.
We leaned on the railings as we looked into the sky as it slowly lightened into a shade of pale blue. With a cloud mass that they kept insisting looked like a tornado. (huh?!?) Our sunrise was quite a disappointment cos there wasn't exalting rays of light bursting through morning sky etc etc, jus a bright sky. The stupid clouds lar. so many.
We made our way down and for the first time in the day, see the school in its full colour. Went over the class bench and felt the past visit us for a moment. We were dead sleepy, sprawled on the bench like old times. We started laughing at how Yufei would come in late for every flag-raising, how liyuan knitted a LANTERN for MAF, how zzy would always be at his laptop or his lyrics' book, how our class girls used to sit and knit in a circle, how our combi went late for lectures and harassed the bookshop auntie. Memories kept flooding back. And i remembered myself repeating : "Tai Duo Le." (too many) For there was too much to be remembered as usual. But why think about that, when u have e luxury of remembrance now? When u can sit with two old buddies and reminisce happily and almost greedily?
Our body was begging us for rest or food or both if possible. And we got up to Serene's for macs b/f. I was so reluctant to leave but i knew i was going to die from either gastric pain or fatigue if i didn't. And at Serene's we were absolutely delirious. We were laughing for the entire duration of our breakfast , talking about the most stupid stuff and some absoultely irrelevant nonsense that jus tickled us so badly we were going crazy.
For example i suddenly asked them
" Who'e Mo Qi Xue ? " ( i wanted to ask abt this women who studied abt during LEP days )
Then the two of them started muttering so incessantly and finally muying said,
" It's Ying Er is it? "
Then it was zzy and my turn to start our muttering and i said,
" That's Xi Xiang Ting lar . "
Then zzy and muying started muttering and muying started laughing and exclaimed
" It's Xi Xiang Ji lar!! "
Then i started laughing almost madly cos i suddenly realised ,
" Oh i was thinking Hou Xiang Ting! "
Then the three of us will get into bouts of suppressed laughter, with hotcakes halfway in our mouths or on our forks along its way, then we started choking and zzy will get into spasms and we started toking about bowels and zzy kept laughing and knocking his head into a display of happy meal toys and i kept chiding him and we kept laughing on and on and on and on....
it was crazy. i was so tired after dat i ached in every joint and i was on e verge of fainting.
Went back at 10 , slept till five thirty or so.
***
I chose not to reveal details of our conversation for privacy reasons. (casts a slit-eyed look at zzy)
But it was a 'night' of conversations that were honest and heartfelt and i really enjoyed as well as needed it.
***
A very long blog that barely describes even a fifth of what went on in the 8 hours.
But words fail us sometimes as they can never replicate the intensity of certain emotions that were felt at the moment.
My purpose in wriiting such a long blog is to show my appreciation to zzy and muying for the day and also to share.
And it finally occured to me that i'm not alone, for there are many people whom i care about that also feel weak and hopeless at times, and that is a consolation itself.
I'm happy now. :)
Life still is the only thing worth living for.
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