sugar, give me sugar

Thursday, June 09, 2005

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I woke up to "Northern Lad" at 10am when i only got to sleep at bout 3am. You know its bad when they both share an 'a' (hey but look on the bright side, imagine them sharing a 'p' instead.)

but waking up to songs. especially hers. you just know today is just going be one of those days : where you wake up in the morning and the morning feels like one of those afternoons in your primary school days where you'll be waiting by the tv for one of those SBC reruns at 3.30pm. so i was trying to get myself back to sleep by shutting my eyes really tight. but the sun's glare leaked from the gaps between my really inadequate curtains. i need wider curtains. or i need to sleep earlier. i think i know the answer.

so apparently i failed to get back to sleep and thus my dream where i was running all around a shopping mall that looked like the inside of ikea-cross-pearlcentre. with my aunt pearlyn. i was trying to find X & Y (Coldplay's Yet to be Released New Album) in all the music shops. almost mistook a glay-coldplay-watzisname compilation as the new album (is there even such a compilation). then tried to scribble my handphone number on a sweet wrapper with a dying pen and passed it to a little kid i held hands with. i tell you, the holding hands bit i blame Gong Li for it. i was watching a China movie which she starred in last night called "Zhou Yu de Huo Che (train)". There was a particular scene that remain etched in my mind. (good material to start off a sandman chapter) It started off with a closeup on two hands holding one another, the arms were stretched out ,tense and you could hear Liang Jia Hui's voice going hastily " Che Shou Ah. Zhou Yu. Kuai Che Shou Ah. (let go) " and he started panicking and begged "Zhou yu! Zhou yu!" And finally you get the big picture : One standing on each rail of a railway track, Zhou Yu (Gong Li) and her lover (Liang Jia Hui) were holding hands, their bodies leaning outwards, the tension in their hands supporting their weight. But there was an oncoming train. And Zhou Yu refused to let go. I would like that still as a poster.

So as i was saying (have i digressed?) , i woke up, decided to quit pretending to sleep and started singing with a mouth full of moths (the before-brush).

"Had a northern lad, well, not exactly had. He moved like the sunset. God, who painted that..."

Do you normal people do that? I hope i'm not really that crazy.

In fact, everyday since 2 weeks before, i have been sitting out 1-3ams ,thinking i don't ever want to sleep and then lying on the bed an hour later , thinking i don't ever want to wake up. So how on earth do i get on my bed,answer: the momentum of convention (Mom-O-Con : physics at its finest) . I think i'm not very concerned with the not-wanting-to-sleep since i am aware of how addicted i am to the process of sitting in front of the pc aimlessly. But of the never-wanting-to-wake-up. Hmm. I almost mistook it as another one of those depression symptoms.

But i realised , that isn't the only change in my life these past 2 weeks. I have been undergoing an internal transformation. (ok external too, i'm starting to wear singlets at home) I realised as i begin to read and write quite intensively, i start to invite a tsunami of knowledge. And its very different from the cramming/schooling days. the main difference is my work being voluntary. Its quite interesting how studying Chinese literature and Studies can trace itself back to General Philosophy. And as i embrace wisdom, I realise the eternal, penultimate question of The Meaning Of Life hits me like never before. What do i wish to attain at the end of my Day. So what if i manage to hold 0.5% of the entire pool of knowledge in the world? or if i become a Professor in a renowned University? or if i publish a few books and teach for life? What is it that i am working towards at the end of the day?

(likechek) Many of us have pondered over this question i am sure. That's why books like The Life of Pi, Sophie's World and HG2G are bestsellers. But to give thought to this seemingly unanswerable question when you have taken a forward step in your life, that is the difference. It is almost as if taking a random bus not knowing where your final destination is but putting faith in the fact that the bus will bring you closer to it. I have been stagnant for the past 20 years and now i moved. It might be only a tremble or just a little bootyshake but i have shifted my feet and i'm on my way.

The seminar i attended yesterday gave me an option for my general direction which i feel could be a very probable choice. but to decide on it would mean leaving my womb of self-centredness and accepting my identity as a mere (another) building block. I will take my time to decide.

I have had it up to my neck with people asking me when i'm leaving. SERIOUSLY. Its the favourite question of the year. in fact of the PAST year. On average i get asked that twice a day i bet. I have the exact same uncle asking me the exact same question in the exact same tone whenEVER i see him. What is this? If you are disinterested then don't ask. If you want to ask, REMEMBER the answer. Its not like i gave you a DATE which you might forget if you are an absentminded unsincere moose. I gave you a MONTH. A FREAKING MONTH. And its already JUNE. I obviously don't look like i'm leaving SOON. SO that leaves FIVE MONTHS for you to choose from and doesn't NOV and DEC sound a little bit too FARAWAY? And all these people like aaron, chek and dunnowat ppl are asking me over and over again, amnesia hitting them everydayy like their dingalongs do. The next non-relative that asks me this question in that seemingly inquiring look will get NO answer. If you're lucky you will witness an incredible "Quadraple Roll Eyes". Make an effort people or at least use your COMMON SENSE to deduce a range of months. (Like if you asked " Oh so you're leaving in August or September right?" , you won't make me hit boiling point right? geez.)

So that's for the bitching. met my quota before 12pm. not bad.

I am adequately satisfied with my life now. Its going somewhere. :)

lihui is my new favourite friend. *shoves away huili and jiabin "go away you 2 had-beens" * she worked with me at my aunt's place. very diligent girl. (and jj asks y i din ask him to. *cough*)

of cos i still adore adele and ml. haha melod you rock! ok ok zhao rox TOO. *mian qiang* melody is a mutual friend, colleague of zhao's , ex-classmate of mine, ex-schoolmate/since-prisch-mate of adele's. a worthy alliance of slackers' inc.

*waves to jean (the singer)* hey!

that's all for now.

6/05/2005 10:13:00 AM