sugar, give me sugar

Monday, December 06, 2004

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"Moons and Junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all."

-Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now"

Unbelievable lyrics. Just cuts me into pieces.

~

To my friends, 'in love' or not, and especially you :

You feel small. You say you shouldn't doubt but in your mind, all the possibilities (mostly skeptical) have run through your head. You cannot understand why you cannot trust. You think its you. You think its the other person. You try to blame someone for it. You end up hating yourself.

Where the heart is involved, I don't believe trust is ever possible. Don't take things for granted. Don't take things too far either.

You blow up the slightest things to represent probable huge issues in the future.(of course, only to yourself. You don't want to lose him too quickly.) You consider giving up at every disillusion. You promised to bid your expectations and fantasies farewell. You promised to look from 'the other way'. But the love you wanted was when you looked 'this way', so what now?

Talking about forever and the future seems stupid. You don't want to look naive. You don't want to scare them away. But if that's not what they want, then don't we rather scare them away? (No. We don't.) You are cautious. Too cautious. The honeymoon lasts only till reason enters. You don't give anyone a chance. "Taking a chance on love". Sounds easy. But we know better.

You look around you. What makes you different from the rest? Why do you deserve to have 'forever more' when dear friends (that you think deserve even more than you) are deprived of it? You hear the two-timing boy on the phone, you are disgusted but more than anything else, you are afraid.

Things settle. The colour fades. "Steady, as it comes."
And there you have it, what you've always wanted, to have someone. And you think, "Is this it?"

You never thought you will be obsessive did you? You thought you'll be that independant, secure and confident lover. But remember, you have opened your heart. Try visualising an 'opened heart'. Yes. You are that vulnerable.

You think you've got the perfect solution. "Just don't commit that much. Just don't believe that much. Just don't that much." And then you are guranteed that if a heart breaks (if there is going to be one in the first place. yes, we are that cynical now.) , it's not going to be yours. But my friend, if we could do that, we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

Then you ask so many times a day, "Why in the world am i in this if its so bloody difficult? " But you think of a face. You smile. And you know why.

We are full from eating our pride. We keep shrinking. We keep wondering. Wondering and wondering,that's all we do everyday now. We wished we could see into the future. We wished we could dig out a heart and see if its for real. We wished we could know what was on their minds.

My advice is, indulge yourself in all this. Simply let your heart rule your head. For now that is. "Teach me a heartbreak" -

But if you are not happy, my friend, then know when to stop. Always live for yourself. Love is never the destination.

Love is really difficult.

" I really don't know love -

At all"

So this is it. What you've always wanted. So now, just want it.

~

I know the text above is so serious its almost comic. But its dedicated to a few friends : Miss Hives, Miss In-the-same-boat and Mr Faye-wong-eyes. To the rest, my advice : Don't speculate.

Yay. I'm back blogging. It means my readers have a life now (grin) and it ALSO means i got my life back too. I'm better now. We can all stop worrying now. I love my friends. I say it and i mean it : What will i do without you people.

Well i've got news:
Paul and I will be busking for an arts organisation by the name of AFUA (Arts For Us All) outside Heeren on Dec 11th 3-4pm (i HOPE this is the finalised timing.) I dun really know how its gonna be like but i'll be singing with paul playing the keyboard (PLEASE let it be a GOOD keyboard). Nothing rocking, i'm sorry, I'll be doing mostly ballads. So do come support if you guys are free. Er. Yah. I don't wanna be like some jiu2 rou4 peng2 you3 so i'm not going to start asking the ENTIRE council or class or platoon (when i never contact them on normal days, snorts at certain individuals) to come down and support (cos that, imho, is just xian4 shi2.) I just thought of asking my closer friends and people who are interested in musical events like this to just pop by.

I'm jittery already. lalala. its REALLY scary. But its very exciting too. I miss Lauren! I want her to fly back and sing with me. But lousy lauren can't.

To ml: grrrrrr. *bites* (hehe)

This event really helped me take a load of my mind and hopefully will be a nice end to all this drama i'm having in my life recently. Singing is therapeutic. Very. (thanks bern)

Oh. No chinese songs anyway. Grumble. (organisers' preference)

~

I need to save.
I need to get a few albums.

A good example of "Simple Irony".

I want to get :
1) IS Black and White - This compilation of non-mainstream Chinese pop.

2) Huang Lie Chuan's debut album - My previous ou xiang i made at this singing competition i tried at. He is singaporean. He is from RV. He sings goooood and plays well. Remember him playing piano accompaniment for two other finalists and singing "Hei Se You Mo" (reaching all the notes). And he plays at 2 min ge can tings.

~

Adele being the first person to read my unfinished (not even halfway through) novel, calls it 'psychotic' and 'cheem'. I am very worried for my prospects as a novelist. Never mind. Work harder. And my mom insists i try submitting short writings to Lianhe Zaobao but i think the standards aren't all that impressive so i'm not that eager to try it out. But gao3 fei4 is a huge incentive.

I want to work after i ORD. I want to work 5 day weeks. And i want a job that doesn't affects my after-working-hours life. Which means no bring-home assignments. No deadlines. No pressure. Which means a WAITERING JOB. haha. or something like dat. I'll be a cool waiter. I wanna work at Coffee Club. (i LOVE coffee club!) But i can't hold 3 plates at 1 go. I don't have flat and wide forearms to balance dishes. Maybe i'll go be a cashier. I like service-oriented jobs. I wanna try out min ge can ting but urp, scared i'm not up to it.

Talking bout coffee club. I aim to try all the sandwich/pasta/main/dessert dishes on the menu. Its not fantastic food i know but its pretty vfm. (value for money) And i like the Strawberry Romanoff (i know how to make it already. wahahaha). And the sandwiches are pretty whacking (new term!). Oh so anyone who needs Coffee Club buddy, call me along! (i bet only bjb and gluttony christine.)

Meiling's coming back! Adele isn't. Lau is!
I have friends again! (haha joking la. *slowly inches away as my LOVELY-LOCAL friends *nausea pangs* rub their fists* )

Oh anyway i'm not going to Hokkaido le (sorry zhao! can't buy anithing for u le.)
I cleverly planned my leave on the days my ma'am is around so we both won't see each other for a long while! hahah. I know i know, i have one 'leg' with her, but when she's around there's so much more work to do. And i can't oversleep. URG. did i say dat? *are there MPs reading my blog?* I take it back. *very solemnly*

To S.H.E. : "WO AI NI !!! " Ahem sorry. *whistles and shuffles feet on the spot*

I always worry for jj. Doesn't know how to protect himself. Dunno how he's gonna survive when i'm gone. Wei, you must learn how to zhao gu zi ji la. I can't ALWAYS be around u know.

To Hui'yi', Aloe Vera and Boon : U guys better prepare to babysit him when i'm gone. And meilian, you too when u come back. Think u're more trustworthy. ladidar.

Haha, i'm so smart, i use many different names to call the same friends so i sound like i have many friends. Er. *thinks: Did i just give myself away?* Errr..yeahhh. *scutters away, embarrassed*

Okay, this is quite a happy blog. Happy Rating : 72%. SEE! I'm not ALWAYS depressed. hah.

12/05/2004 01:01:00 PM