|
|
Sunday, September 19, 2004
| |
0 comments
Post a Comment
|
|
Feeling pensive at 9:44. Very unhealthy.
Prob cos i fell asleep with alot of thoughts running through my head, oh n its not MAF post mortem,hcjc reminiscence or my usual gooey friendship stuff, jus random bubbles of opinions.
Its a Sunday! Which means i go back to work tml to see people again. I'm so tired of seeing people i dun want to see. Life should be jus being with ppl u wanna be with. But then we wun make new friends but i dun need new friends now! *grumble*
And i'm feeling quite drained and aching after MAF.
Nth much to say, i did wat i set out to do. Really let myself go all out for song session n we (me n mu,zzy,pl n yeok) were being quite retarded and showy but well dat's our style.
Baked a carrot cake w lemon cheese cream n made it into a pseudo mooncake to celebrate meiling's belated bday n lihui's pre bday. Glad they liked it. Ooh~ lihui says its e best carrot cake she has ever had tho i suspect she had never eaten more than twice, but oh well! i float aniwae.
Gave mi classmates their presents. :) :) :) *in anticipation of them listening to e cds*
And there's sth realli quite stupid la. I know i slimmed down quite a bit from jc. I KNOW. but it can't be dat i keep seeing e same ppl like hui'en, mi class seniors, juniors , council juniors and dey keep telling me i lost more weight. It's like how ur uncles and aunties keep insisting u've grown taller when u go visit them. it's so... patronising. Say sth new! Of cos ppl like huiting's classmate who i dun even know or xinpei, kaiwen who were very very generous with their compliments are most welcome. Huiting's classmate was very cute. She was jus standing beside ting n started exclaiming , " U slimmed down alot! " N i was like "Er. yah. who is this? " haha. I like compliments fm fresh faces. heehee, jus to tease mi ego n let ur eyes roll abit, mi fav comment was fm Ling Ching : " *approving nod* Looking good man." WOOHA. its for liars i wear mi contacts and lose weight for! *KIDDING* I might be vain n superficial but i'm not dat bad.
I am such a sucker for flattery. Like Caesar.
And i'm happy for my song ics cos they managed to get song after dance. And i'm quite glad it all worked out pretty well. Good choice of key , they realli put alot of effort into practising. And i think dance after song again got pretty good response. Hmm. Mrs. Ang prob made a good decision this yr.
And dat's MAF.
How did it go?
Quickly.
~
I realised i'm very misunderstood. I'm not upset or anything. But it does get on my nerves from time to time. We bother to act in certain ways and display certain traits, hoping to formulate accurate impressions of what we make ourselves out to be or what we hope to be (never "wat we really are" cos wat on earth are we like really?), so when friends (esp. friends) evaluate us incorrectly, we dun really feel hurt but it pinches.
I also do realise it is probably becos i am very different when i'm with some friends. I'm not pretentious or anything but i jus feel like a different person ard them. But prob the disparity of wat i really am and what i look like i am for the majority of mi frens ,is so huge, even I can't come to terms with it.
But still i am quite surprised when ppl think i'm cold and aloof and when ppl think i'm egoistic. More surprised at 'cold n aloof' . More insulted at 'egoistic'. I'm not pissed or anything but yah, jus ... uncomfortable.
But i can't blame them really cos i jus dun show. Undercurrent.
I'm jus glad there are still ppl who do know how i'm really like. But what are we 'really like' really? Am i truer to the Universal Definition/Description of Zheng Yi (1985 - ) when i'm with mi 2 or 3 closer friends or when i'm with mi majority of friends?
But at least wat i think i am really like. the 'me' i'll like to portray in soon to be published books like "Diaries of Zheng Yi".
There's A firstly. Who knows me more than i know miself. A tends to second guess mi intentions and somehow or another, i realise A's right tho i dun admit it. And i always have a feeling A knows more about wat's up on my mind or deep down inside than A tells. A'll give me looks or give very strategically timed 'hmmm's and 'okay' which tells me A's either doubting me or when A feels i shouldn't think in some ways. A helps me in a way i always wished some1 could have n i am thankful for that.
" But A will never say he/she knows u well."
There's also B. Well there r some friendship facts u cannot deny. Dat with certain ppl, how well e both of u know each other might not be proportional to how long u've known one another. But there are also certain friends where the Normal Rule of Friendship can be applied with ease. Well that's B. B knows me well in terms of details of mi life. If i die and some1 needs all e info they can get fer mi biography, go straight to B and there u have it. B and i can finish each other's sentences. And sometimes i suspect that B actually knows more than e superficial details but B doesn't show any sign of dat until bigger problems crop up. B would suddenly say stuff like " Aiyah. But u purposely like dat one wat." And altho mi immediate and first reaction is to protest n deny , but jus as quickly, i know B's dead right. But B is stingy with his/her evaluations.
Somehow i approach A for all e problems n doubts in mi life but when i need familiar assurance and someone who knows not wat to say but listens (n u know he/she is listening) There's B. And i am always grateful for that.
" B is the friend I wish everyone could have. But that' me. "
And there's C. C who I cannot lie to. Tho there are many ppl i can't lie to but to C, it's almost a sin. C who is so ready to make exclamations like " That is so you." , "I knew you were gonna say that." and "U're always like that." And altho i am normally very resistent with ppl acting as if dey knew me well (cos i dun like to reveal too much), but to C, i am defenceless. And nodding away. And actually, honoured. C storms into ur heart, announces confidently u are something and somehow. SOMEHOW, u think u are wat C claims u are. " I could be that u know if C says so. " But that is attributed to C's character. But C knows who I want to / make myself appear to be like and C indulges me.
" C will know u like u always wished u can be known. If 'know' could be used like dat."
But i learn to accept different views on me. If movies and books and paintings can be appreciated in different ways, why can't i? Why should i insist on being ONE kind of person. I am a kaleidoscope, for every person who looks into me, i am different. We all are.
~
I am much too weak to undo the wrongs dat society have snowballed throughout the years. Wrongs that were inevitable, are still snowballing and will not stand to be undone. But i persist . For the sake of the many who are disadvantaged and many more to come who will be disadvantaged , i persist.
I agree that many generalisations are necessary in our society for it to function effectively.
But i do not believe that it is our rightful duty to 'perform' in a way the predecessors of our race have been.
I've had it up to my nose with comments like
" U can bake? oh u put guys to shame "
" shouldn't u say i put gers to shame too? " (i mock)
" oh yes oh yes. " (snort)
The skirt girls who cannot bake use the stereotypes and its absurdity to their advantage.
" Why a skirt ? "
" I'm a girl. "
" Why dun u bake ? "
" Nonsense, who says girls must learn how to bake? "
That's jus a miniature of wat is perpetuated everywhere, every second at every chance in our lives now. For both sexes.
I am so used to the stereotypes dat i CAN ignore all 99% of it, how ppl cleanly and clearly divide all things in this ENTIRE UNIVERSE to be either Feminine or Masculine with Noah's Staff. Pink,skirts,baking,sewing,pottery,STRAWBERRIES (ask mi bro),reading TV prog sypnosises, listening to female singers (i love this one. seriously), SNACKING and liking SOUR stuff VS. Sports,cars, horses,technology, gadgets, big appetite, smoking, drinking, flirting , porn and meat.
Its ridiculous u say. But hey, i've HEARD ppl declare strawberries sissy. A fruit. Is sissy. That's a tad too heavy a responsibility to throw on a red, sweet smelling, juicy (if u get e nice red ones) , thumbsize fruit isn't it?
Come on ppl. Leave MORE. I MEAN MUCH MUCH MORE ROOM for grey areas. The only thing in e world dat should be clearly Male and Female is the Sperm and the Egg.
Oxford dict:
Male , of the sex that can beget offspring by fertilising.
Female , of the sex that can give birth or produce eggs.
It doesn't even mention dat males have to like females and vice versa. I know e dictionary is not like e official Universal guideline to all definitions but u know wat i'm getting at.
I know most of the world have (most willingly accepted) this as the way of life and the way of the sexes; they are 'behaving correctly' whether or not it was e way they were inherently OR that they made themselves out to be with e help of primary school bullies , traditional n conventional dad and moms or jus beer ads like "Makes the Boys Men".
I do not ask of guys to go love strawberries or girls to go kick a ball or sth, but have more room for tolerance. Wait. Not tolerance. Dat would mean compromise. I mean, look at stuff with an unbiased eye. U are free to opine. But maybe show the "Grey People" some mercy and "reservation of expression" which u readily give the disabled (i wun even bother to clarify that i dun imply dat the Grey People are in some sense, disabled). I am assuming u dun go up to some wheelchaired kid and say , " I can walk u can't. " In fact, i think it's jus as disturbing when u ask me, " Why don't u watch sports? U are a guy lei. "
Stereotypes are , by nature, made to advantage e majority who finds it easy to adapt to e stereotypes. But i do believe we have much more wisdom than to need to live off stereotypes.
Screw M.
Screw F.
I'm officially N. For NIL.
I'm an amoeba.
P.S. i'm not care-less enuf. Think Calvin Zhang w his cardigan on SG Idol. Ppl who go all out n totally fcuk all social conventions and traditions, i salute u as i condemn u. Why? I am after all , still a 20 yr old...GUY - e most powerful subscriber to norms.
At least i can talk myself out of the following preferences which i think will stump the uh...DUH AVERAGE GUY :
i bake becos i like to make sth out of nth.
i like strawberries cos they're nice.
i dun play soccer cos i've got no ball sense.
i drink beer becos i like how it tastes and it makes me slightly high.
i dun wear skirts cos it'll freak mi mom out n mi legs are fat n hairy.
i dun like pink cos it's too loud and it'll get too much attention.
Rock it Lauren. She's a real gem for being e least convention-contaminated,pro-amoeba-society activist.
|
|
|
|
|
|
