Wednesday, June 30, 2004 0 comments Post a Comment It must be either exhausting or interesting or a mix of both to have a friend like me. For the concerned, i'm sure they would be tired of hearing about my angst, my depressions, my loneliness , my perpetual state of feeling lost and then having amnesia for a short while and stumbling back in. And if they had to know "how is zhengyi", the happiness-timeline (x-y) graph is usually below universal average (if everyone is what they look like on tv and on e streets). A bit like y = (sin x) - 0.5 or sth like dat. But noone's always happy except a fool. But i think i'm too rarely happy. And well, for the other frens who probably are concerned too, have been reading my blog but seem to be able to disguise any trace of whatever impact my words left on them. And no no dun get me wrong. I don't want u ppl to show any sympathy or anything like that. And zhengyi means it when he says it. (oh my god, 'sympathy' would be both impossibly inadequate and inappropriate) Just keep reading my blog would be enough for me. Yeah. But i just find it very interesting how many ppl (whom i think read my blog), behave so normally around me like i didn't just write a really (oh maybe i'm the only one who thinks it is?) disturbing entry on death and depressions and loneliness and blablabla nonsense. OR maybe all these friends are afraid of the zhengyi they never knew existed. OR maybe they know me all too well and roll their eyes after reading. haha. it's jus so fun to think what expression each and everyone of you have when you read my more...serious entries. *furrows brow* but it'll be quite a letdown if people jus read with a poker face and finished reading with one. Do at least have a concerned look. haha. i'm such a freak. i mean, WHO says stuff like these? i'm a bit disappointed in life. i must say. I've got the resigned look and i'm shaking my head now. Like Life just walked up to me and asked me " How did i do? ". And i gave a thumbsdown. I am not angry or sad or anything like dat. Jus sorta like "cheah." . I'm in the escaping from reality mood. Like how life turned out is totally independant from my own intentions and actions. haha. Like it's a new brand of icecream i tried (called "After 17") and sucked big time. (and i'll wake up some other day i reaised i actually made that brand of icecream --> dat's when i write stuff like Lonely Popcorn) Today i just wanna step aside, take a nice cane and (not push of cos)discreetly and slowly shift the Blame to a side and roll my eyes for a bit instead of hating myself. And i'm amazed. I look at ALL these people around me. How do they go on? It's like freaking forever man. Like they keep going on and about, duties , schedules, people, no people, food, no food, good food, silly stuff, music, diaries, swans, love, tv, euro 2004 , parade clothes and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. No wonder delight became delirium. I can't really draw a systematic conversion diagram but i think i get the idea. I always think people around me (with the exception of my friends) are superficial, trivial, simple-minded and happy. Which makes me feel superior, intense, thinking and unhappy. Then i realise everyone isn't happy. and i'm not superior. And everyone's thinking too. And i'm still unhappy. I'm going crazy am i not? I think it's the lack of trivia. The lack of superficiality. The lack of things. I've got too many thoughts, too many ideas , too much emotions and too many inspirations. I need to watch VCDs, watch movies, watch TV, look at photos, have sex, read gossip columns, talk about ships, cars, birds, flutes, food and everything under the sun dat has a preset, standard way of commenting on it. Like how i look at a sportscar and i jus naturally say "wow." and how i look at a plate of food and just decide i like it or not. Stop analysing. Stop thinking. Stop admiring. And stop letting things affect me or touch me. We like to do that too much sometimes don't we. Occupy myself. I should shop or sth. What on earth is going on? Maybe the comfort and monotony is getting to me. I should be a streetchild stealing bread. Then i wouldn't think of how this bread would meanmymotherwillnotbakeformeeveragainifshediesoneday. I should be a horny pub-goer. Then i would wanna sleep with women every night and notthinkmoralsnotthinkpuritynotthink. I should be the student i was. piled up with work and other obligations, then there wouldn't be time to evaluate myself and type ridiculous blogs like these. I need to do something to my life. Or wait till life does something to me. And that just sounds really really weird and scary. 6/30/2004 08:50:00 PM

yi A student (and maybe one always) / from Singapore in Shanghai / a hopefully chronic baking OCD / aborted mission Noble entirely / decided to stop believing in change and creation but work on succeeding heritages / food is culture. culture is heritage. / dreams of cooking classes in France where everything is white, light & shadows and old mastery - a typical Western enchantment/ wonders if Singaporean food will ever turn into haute cuisine/ will hump a madeleine more than anything else (for now)/ half-worried and half-proud that solid lava cakes distress him more than alot of things/ baking is my first (practical) skill/ believes that fine food can be found in the dodgiest alley after China/ will one day make his baking compulsion serve Charity / The Yi Cafe (a concept not a name)/ has the most pot-bellied father and a kitchen-prodigal mother (thus!)/ the second son with the less discerning tongue/ an aged interest in literature/ a perpetual weight issue / grams not pounds / measuring out my life with tbsps/ feeds the one with a sweeth tooth/ says, "my heart is stollen" homemade berry tart for the jaundice. SH culinary endeavours 1 : tang yuan in glutinuous rice wine SH culinary endeavours 2 : morbidly obese morning sandwich SH culinary endeavours 3 : herbal chicken soup YOU HEAR : Joni Mitchell - You Turn Me On I'm A Radio oh honey you turn me on i'm a radio i'm a country station i'm a little bit corny i'm a wild flower waiting for your broadcasting tower waiting for you fellow pebbles Archive Archives 10/12/2003 - 10/19/2003 10/19/2003 - 10/26/2003 10/26/2003 - 11/02/2003 11/02/2003 - 11/09/2003 11/09/2003 - 11/16/2003 11/16/2003 - 11/23/2003 11/30/2003 - 12/07/2003 12/07/2003 - 12/14/2003 12/28/2003 - 01/04/2004 01/04/2004 - 01/11/2004 01/11/2004 - 01/18/2004 01/25/2004 - 02/01/2004 02/01/2004 - 02/08/2004 02/08/2004 - 02/15/2004 02/15/2004 - 02/22/2004 02/22/2004 - 02/29/2004 02/29/2004 - 03/07/2004 03/07/2004 - 03/14/2004 03/14/2004 - 03/21/2004 03/21/2004 - 03/28/2004 03/28/2004 - 04/04/2004 04/04/2004 - 04/11/2004 04/11/2004 - 04/18/2004 04/18/2004 - 04/25/2004 05/02/2004 - 05/09/2004 05/09/2004 - 05/16/2004 05/16/2004 - 05/23/2004 05/23/2004 - 05/30/2004 05/30/2004 - 06/06/2004 06/06/2004 - 06/13/2004 06/20/2004 - 06/27/2004 06/27/2004 - 07/04/2004 07/04/2004 - 07/11/2004 07/11/2004 - 07/18/2004 07/18/2004 - 07/25/2004 08/01/2004 - 08/08/2004 08/08/2004 - 08/15/2004 08/15/2004 - 08/22/2004 08/22/2004 - 08/29/2004 08/29/2004 - 09/05/2004 09/05/2004 - 09/12/2004 09/12/2004 - 09/19/2004 09/19/2004 - 09/26/2004 09/26/2004 - 10/03/2004 10/03/2004 - 10/10/2004 10/10/2004 - 10/17/2004 10/17/2004 - 10/24/2004 10/24/2004 - 10/31/2004 11/07/2004 - 11/14/2004 11/14/2004 - 11/21/2004 12/05/2004 - 12/12/2004 12/12/2004 - 12/19/2004 12/19/2004 - 12/26/2004 12/26/2004 - 01/02/2005 01/02/2005 - 01/09/2005 01/09/2005 - 01/16/2005 01/16/2005 - 01/23/2005 01/23/2005 - 01/30/2005 01/30/2005 - 02/06/2005 02/13/2005 - 02/20/2005 02/20/2005 - 02/27/2005 02/27/2005 - 03/06/2005 03/06/2005 - 03/13/2005 03/13/2005 - 03/20/2005 03/20/2005 - 03/27/2005 03/27/2005 - 04/03/2005 04/17/2005 - 04/24/2005 05/08/2005 - 05/15/2005 05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005 05/29/2005 - 06/05/2005 06/05/2005 - 06/12/2005 06/19/2005 - 06/26/2005 07/03/2005 - 07/10/2005 07/10/2005 - 07/17/2005 07/17/2005 - 07/24/2005 07/24/2005 - 07/31/2005 07/31/2005 - 08/07/2005 08/07/2005 - 08/14/2005 08/14/2005 - 08/21/2005 08/21/2005 - 08/28/2005 08/28/2005 - 09/04/2005 09/25/2005 - 10/02/2005 11/06/2005 - 11/13/2005 12/11/2005 - 12/18/2005 01/22/2006 - 01/29/2006 02/05/2006 - 02/12/2006 02/26/2006 - 03/05/2006 03/05/2006 - 03/12/2006 03/12/2006 - 03/19/2006 05/14/2006 - 05/21/2006 06/11/2006 - 06/18/2006 06/25/2006 - 07/02/2006 09/17/2006 - 09/24/2006 10/15/2006 - 10/22/2006 11/26/2006 - 12/03/2006 12/17/2006 - 12/24/2006 06/03/2007 - 06/10/2007 08/26/2007 - 09/02/2007 11/04/2007 - 11/11/2007 09/07/2008 - 09/14/2008 12/14/2008 - 12/21/2008 12/28/2008 - 01/04/2009 01/04/2009 - 01/11/2009 01/18/2009 - 01/25/2009 01/25/2009 - 02/01/2009 02/01/2009 - 02/08/2009 02/08/2009 - 02/15/2009 02/15/2009 - 02/22/2009 02/22/2009 - 03/01/2009 03/15/2009 - 03/22/2009 & I want these Apron Stains! Madeleine Attempt 3 (with baking powder?!) ML's Stollen SY's Baked Almond and Marzipan (urgh) Peaches ZW's Ricotta Cream Cheese Pudding Citrus Delight 4 Lavas + 4 Purins for e Family replica of JG's FG with port gelee, candied pistachios and dried sour cranberries Upcoming Gastronomic Gorges Haiku by Hatsune Geylang Tze Char Pilgrimage Peranakan Food Liver @ Hong Long Xing