|
|
Saturday, June 26, 2004
| |
0 comments
Post a Comment
|
|
He woke up feeling worse.
Which was odd cos by some rule of the universe,u're only supposed to get better when u have been getting better for the last few days. Colds dun make a U-turn. Or they weren't supposed to.
He had tissues to his nose for half the time he was awake since 8. And the after-blowing-ur-nose tissue checks were optimistic. Clear. Not green or yellow which was probably good news. But it didn't justify the throbbing and whirling going on in his head.
Not lack of sleep too, he slept at 12 and woke up at 8. good 8 hours. maybe it was the cramming in of 80 chapters of Da Vinci Code (at last completed!) right before he slept.
And the headache got worse after he had pig innards with kway chup for breakfast.
And worse after his mom and him shared this really intense laughing/choking session in the car about dad pronouncing-Alzhiemer's-as-Amnesia-which-mom-insisted-sounded-like-Amanda(?!?!)-and-later-Amidah(his aunt's colleague).
He came back home, realised he was out of phlegm medicine and settled for a cup of Vit C drink. Tried to read "Nightflowers" again but skipped twice as many pages as the ones he managed to actually calm himself down (or his stupid head) to read.
He realised he only wanted to read this book again to see how Zed and Evie were no longer lonely because they had one another. Whether they were in London, Sydney or Melbourne. Whether they were hot, horny or shivering and sick.
Then he lay in bed with mom sound asleep (she caught his flu) , thinking he was ever so lonely. And it was not fair to say that, he knew. He knew he had probably all the friends he ever needed. (maybe even more) He had a family that people openly expressed their envy towards and that, he is ever thankful for. He had a best friend. He was never alone-lonely. But he always thought he was lonely. And no amount of reiterating the above to himself seemed to be able to detach him from that feeling permanently (just distract him for what seems like minutes compared to those dreary moments).
There were many many times he would forget. Times where he had fresh company (not new people but new occasions) and fresh dialogue and wear fresh clothing with fresh weather and everything seemed different, everything varied and he felt he didn't need a constant in his life and he would never feel alone again if everything kept changing and exciting him. But loneliness invaded these 'secure moments' sometimes. He would be out with people he thought he was dying to meet and while speaking to them, their faces blurred and their laughter (why was there always laughter? it was almost a reason they went out with one another, he guessed) echoed, and he thought crossly, these people won't do. They're going to go. They're going to find their soulmates and then find a nice place with children around them to die. And if they didn't, they wouldn't do anyway. One of us would bore the other dead and then who was left would be alone again. And besides, there would be the marriage, the rent, the dog, the adopted kid, the who's-gonna-watch-what-on-TV and all the rest of those problems. The adult problems, he scoffed at the thought. He was unhappy not because of what was going on in the present but of what would eventually happen. He would EVENTUALLY be alone, like he was some soothsayer-shit. He felt terribly useless, like some guy who is always upset cos he knew he would die eventually. He couldn't live IN a moment. He always needed to walk the timeline in advance (10 years?), write himself a sad sorry end with an empty house and the single pillow and then start preparing his tears now for the arrival of that very day.
Then he would think : I need to find someone. Anyone. He or she wouldn't need to stay forever. Just reassure me for now. Let me try how it feels to HAVE the OTHER half. He thought he was pretty smart when he figured out that the only reason why everyone looked for their other half was because everyone was looking for their other half. If noone bothered to in the first place, we could all remain happy and single with friends and family in our lives, like... now. Mom had Dad. Brother had Jaslyn. All his friends have this person they think they have when they say stuff like " When I get married " or " My kids will be.. " (He said stuff like these too, but he wondered if they were all feeling just as insecure and unsure when they did all these foreseeing) He would sit at the dining table on Sunday family dinner days and think , " Mom had Dad. One person she really needed. One person she could AT LEAST say she really needed even if she didn't " and the same for his brother and his girlfriend (assuming they were gonna do the usual). And he looked around and saw his grandma and groaned. 6 people at the table. 2 pairs and 2 individuals. Period.
He was walking back home late night one day. He saw a random stranger, all alone across the street. He didn't know if it was male, female or something in between. He felt like shouting over, " Hey you, i could love you, you know that? " Then what? Then he imagined the stranger might turn around, stop in it's tracks and shout over , " Yeah. Me too! " Then he would have found a soulmate. Haha. Cute. Right off the street. Like right off the shelves, you get a can of peaches from the supermart.
He didn't like thinking he was desperate. But he knew he probably was. Desperate. It SOUNDED desperate. The word. It gave him shudders to think he was EVER desperate for anything. He was always composed and hardly emotional nowadays. He really didn't sound like him to be DESPERATE. It made him embarrassed, the word. He liked thinking that everyone is, and they just don't say or show or think they are. But that is really stupid, cos if they don't say or show or think they are, they AREN'T. haha. That made alot of sense.
Would he feel better if he started having flings and one night stands? He wondered. Was he capable of them in the first place? Would physical company be all he asked for? He was desperate but dignified - the most awkward of 'desperates'. Not anyone would do. Not anything would do. Nothing will do, in fact.
He always thought of what he would do when he found that someone.
And in his mind, there were 3 images:
A hand in another hand, a tear dropping and the hugest field at the 'ends of the world'.
He always wanted to run to the ends of the world. Like he knew where that was.
Then he finally concluded : I can never live with someone. I can never have a soulmate. I can find one most probably. But it won't survive. The bond. The marriage. The 'love' or what ever u call it. Because i am never pleased. I am never happy and I am always looking for something new. Something virgin.
- Looking into myself sometimes and writing down what one part of me is screaming.
P.s. I call this version of me - Mr. Lonely Popcorn.
My English is a bit broken. Please make do. *sweet smile*
|
|
|
|
|
|
