Thursday, May 06, 2004 0 comments Post a Comment a msn conversation: (revised) adele says: pariah eh? haha yi : e pariah says: yep yi : e pariah says: i realised that's wat i've been for a long long time yi : e pariah says: in e general sense of cos yi : e pariah says: and i've worked so hard to be popular and made myself out to be so full of myself that people tend to respect my character adele says: zhengyi adele says: it's not good being a pariah yi : e pariah says: i know yi : e pariah says: but i can't help it. i dun like soccer adele says: huh adele says: haha adele says: what a strange reason yi : e pariah says: i mean yi : e pariah says: i dun like wat most guys SHOULD like yi : e pariah says: i dun like talking abt girls like things yi : e pariah says: i dun like talking abt stupid stuff yi : e pariah says: haha somehow w ppl like u , zhao and jj, stupid stuff takes on ANOTHER definition too yi : e pariah says: and i'm interested in stuff ppl dun understand yi : e pariah says: Chinese dat is yi : e pariah says: and i hate to have to feel abit ashamed and embarrassed that i dun like sports and cars and guns and planes yi : e pariah says: doesn't help dat some ppl tend to cross the line and ask me in a genuinely sympathetic manner : " Why dun u watch soccer? " yi : e pariah says: and den follow up hopefully , " wat abt arcade ? " yi : e pariah says: and den finally "comics? " where i'll jus say yes. and they heave a sigh of relief for ME? charity? I realise i've been awkward for all my life. Never completely comfortable, always a little out of the line, behind the crowd, in front of the business - with my ass always sticking a little out of the chair at the edges (not only cos i'm fat). I've tried very hard. I have really. And i've done well. I mean, looking back at all that have happened to me in school. I've managed to be manageably popular, reasoning to myself that to be any more popular, i would be as disgusting as those leaders of packs. I've always had the right number of cliques - enough to hold out those empty dark times in life. I'm able to socialise and whisk my way in and out of social groups - the soccer players, the SNAGS , the corny , the kind, the eccentric, the ladies, the colleagues :- dancing in between them and earning a certain respect towards my character. And yet i still am frustrated that i don't like soccer. That i still feel a pinch or sometimes a bite at some hollow in my chest, (i hate myself for it) when people mention Monaco and Chelsea, Champions League and Van Nistelrooy. I have to find my way to quietly , discreetly and still proudly take my leave , either mentally or physically. I cannot bring myself to scorn at the game or at these soccer fanatics or at the whole definition of masculinity that society have unkindly shaped. I usually throw my head back, smile to myself, sigh so softly noone hears it and then stand up and hum to myself and walk away. There. I've done it so well from sec 1 till now. The genius at running-away-from-soccer-conversations. Or i sit through it , staring blankly, laughing at jokes when Wesley decides to make some comment abt Arsenal buying over some player (how in e world do they remember all the names? ) (of cos not laughing too much, in case they find it odd that i'm laughing at something i hardly know) and then quickly go off for a breather when there are silences in between. Likewise for car , OTHER sports, women, sex and porn conversations. Which essentially leaves me with work, media , general issues and miscellaneous issues. Which is really enough. Considering the frequency distance i stand fm this people. Not only my army mates but just every guy i've known. And with girls, i just can't relate to most of their interests (which is in a lot of ways, a relief). Except some like dele and lau, where we'll talk about everything that's either on a big/general/social/political/human scale or everything that's deep/emotional/passionate like friends and love, and food and fun and weirdness. So why am i complaining? Cos i've got to go through this all my life, being in a new environment --- guys always stick with guys and girls with girls at first (part of the sextity thing). I will not break ice cos i do not say i play basketball, like the new Nissan Moony or dig that sex icon's cleavage. Then i wander around lost, targetting possible eccentrics and other 'pariah's, talking abt *urgh* life with them and other possible topics, make new friends who will all form the "Not Sporty" club and feel awkward altogether. I dun reject having such friends u know, in fact they make up a majority of my friend base now and i'm glad cos they are what that makes me feel like i'm not a REAL pariah. But sometimes things could be more convenient. But oh well, that's wat makes me so unique isn't it? * hopefully * It has always been my greatest weakness and greatest strength to reveal my vulnerability so crudely to people. And i never ever denied my disinterest for sports. Which probably makes me so much less a man. And i had to like Chinese, Literature, pick up the flute (oh CAN u imagine the kind of pressure i went through when people asked me what instrument i was learning? the "guitar?", "drums?" ) and like reading,writing and singing more than kicking, bouncing and smacking. No regrets over these interests tho. It's tough being a 'normal' guy, there's many many books and rules we SHOULD read BEFORE we determine our interests and inclinations in our mom's womb (after we know our gender of cos). But i've always said, I'm so much more of a human than a man. 5/06/2004 08:54:00 PM

yi A student (and maybe one always) / from Singapore in Shanghai / a hopefully chronic baking OCD / aborted mission Noble entirely / decided to stop believing in change and creation but work on succeeding heritages / food is culture. culture is heritage. / dreams of cooking classes in France where everything is white, light & shadows and old mastery - a typical Western enchantment/ wonders if Singaporean food will ever turn into haute cuisine/ will hump a madeleine more than anything else (for now)/ half-worried and half-proud that solid lava cakes distress him more than alot of things/ baking is my first (practical) skill/ believes that fine food can be found in the dodgiest alley after China/ will one day make his baking compulsion serve Charity / The Yi Cafe (a concept not a name)/ has the most pot-bellied father and a kitchen-prodigal mother (thus!)/ the second son with the less discerning tongue/ an aged interest in literature/ a perpetual weight issue / grams not pounds / measuring out my life with tbsps/ feeds the one with a sweeth tooth/ says, "my heart is stollen" homemade berry tart for the jaundice. SH culinary endeavours 1 : tang yuan in glutinuous rice wine SH culinary endeavours 2 : morbidly obese morning sandwich SH culinary endeavours 3 : herbal chicken soup YOU HEAR : Joni Mitchell - You Turn Me On I'm A Radio oh honey you turn me on i'm a radio i'm a country station i'm a little bit corny i'm a wild flower waiting for your broadcasting tower waiting for you fellow pebbles Archive Archives 10/12/2003 - 10/19/2003 10/19/2003 - 10/26/2003 10/26/2003 - 11/02/2003 11/02/2003 - 11/09/2003 11/09/2003 - 11/16/2003 11/16/2003 - 11/23/2003 11/30/2003 - 12/07/2003 12/07/2003 - 12/14/2003 12/28/2003 - 01/04/2004 01/04/2004 - 01/11/2004 01/11/2004 - 01/18/2004 01/25/2004 - 02/01/2004 02/01/2004 - 02/08/2004 02/08/2004 - 02/15/2004 02/15/2004 - 02/22/2004 02/22/2004 - 02/29/2004 02/29/2004 - 03/07/2004 03/07/2004 - 03/14/2004 03/14/2004 - 03/21/2004 03/21/2004 - 03/28/2004 03/28/2004 - 04/04/2004 04/04/2004 - 04/11/2004 04/11/2004 - 04/18/2004 04/18/2004 - 04/25/2004 05/02/2004 - 05/09/2004 05/09/2004 - 05/16/2004 05/16/2004 - 05/23/2004 05/23/2004 - 05/30/2004 05/30/2004 - 06/06/2004 06/06/2004 - 06/13/2004 06/20/2004 - 06/27/2004 06/27/2004 - 07/04/2004 07/04/2004 - 07/11/2004 07/11/2004 - 07/18/2004 07/18/2004 - 07/25/2004 08/01/2004 - 08/08/2004 08/08/2004 - 08/15/2004 08/15/2004 - 08/22/2004 08/22/2004 - 08/29/2004 08/29/2004 - 09/05/2004 09/05/2004 - 09/12/2004 09/12/2004 - 09/19/2004 09/19/2004 - 09/26/2004 09/26/2004 - 10/03/2004 10/03/2004 - 10/10/2004 10/10/2004 - 10/17/2004 10/17/2004 - 10/24/2004 10/24/2004 - 10/31/2004 11/07/2004 - 11/14/2004 11/14/2004 - 11/21/2004 12/05/2004 - 12/12/2004 12/12/2004 - 12/19/2004 12/19/2004 - 12/26/2004 12/26/2004 - 01/02/2005 01/02/2005 - 01/09/2005 01/09/2005 - 01/16/2005 01/16/2005 - 01/23/2005 01/23/2005 - 01/30/2005 01/30/2005 - 02/06/2005 02/13/2005 - 02/20/2005 02/20/2005 - 02/27/2005 02/27/2005 - 03/06/2005 03/06/2005 - 03/13/2005 03/13/2005 - 03/20/2005 03/20/2005 - 03/27/2005 03/27/2005 - 04/03/2005 04/17/2005 - 04/24/2005 05/08/2005 - 05/15/2005 05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005 05/29/2005 - 06/05/2005 06/05/2005 - 06/12/2005 06/19/2005 - 06/26/2005 07/03/2005 - 07/10/2005 07/10/2005 - 07/17/2005 07/17/2005 - 07/24/2005 07/24/2005 - 07/31/2005 07/31/2005 - 08/07/2005 08/07/2005 - 08/14/2005 08/14/2005 - 08/21/2005 08/21/2005 - 08/28/2005 08/28/2005 - 09/04/2005 09/25/2005 - 10/02/2005 11/06/2005 - 11/13/2005 12/11/2005 - 12/18/2005 01/22/2006 - 01/29/2006 02/05/2006 - 02/12/2006 02/26/2006 - 03/05/2006 03/05/2006 - 03/12/2006 03/12/2006 - 03/19/2006 05/14/2006 - 05/21/2006 06/11/2006 - 06/18/2006 06/25/2006 - 07/02/2006 09/17/2006 - 09/24/2006 10/15/2006 - 10/22/2006 11/26/2006 - 12/03/2006 12/17/2006 - 12/24/2006 06/03/2007 - 06/10/2007 08/26/2007 - 09/02/2007 11/04/2007 - 11/11/2007 09/07/2008 - 09/14/2008 12/14/2008 - 12/21/2008 12/28/2008 - 01/04/2009 01/04/2009 - 01/11/2009 01/18/2009 - 01/25/2009 01/25/2009 - 02/01/2009 02/01/2009 - 02/08/2009 02/08/2009 - 02/15/2009 02/15/2009 - 02/22/2009 02/22/2009 - 03/01/2009 03/15/2009 - 03/22/2009 & I want these Apron Stains! Madeleine Attempt 3 (with baking powder?!) ML's Stollen SY's Baked Almond and Marzipan (urgh) Peaches ZW's Ricotta Cream Cheese Pudding Citrus Delight 4 Lavas + 4 Purins for e Family replica of JG's FG with port gelee, candied pistachios and dried sour cranberries Upcoming Gastronomic Gorges Haiku by Hatsune Geylang Tze Char Pilgrimage Peranakan Food Liver @ Hong Long Xing