Thursday, March 11, 2004 0 comments Post a Comment A night where you just can't let down your defences. depression lurks nearby. - 10:03 pm. ~ For the concerned, I am still coughing still. Now it's less of a dry or a wet cough but a very airy one. Like i'm actually sneezing from my mouth. It's more frequent now and not better. ~ I have made the first move. I will not suffer a relationship that is lopsided. Whether or not it is in my favour. I understand how certain people can be deeply hurt once and from there, decide never to "give" again. I can understand. But i will not allow myself to be a victim to someone else's past. Your company has been exalting really. You , i once boasted proudly to my peers, were one of the ppl that could really make me happy. But i realised that is not enough. I probably wouldn't have had all these thoughts if i wasn't going overseas. But the fact that i'll be leaving this country for a good 4 years next year has made me realise that i cannot waste time on relationships that will exhaust themselves once put to the test of distance. Especially since i've witnessed what distance can do to even the strongest bonds. I do not appreciate the fact that our friendship only renews itself when we meet up and definitely not so, when i have been the only one initating these meetings all along. I question my value. Not a word of concern from time to time, not an sms to ask how i've been and not even asking others how i've gotten by. Superficial and trivial these examples are. But i'm afraid i'm not a person who can live on knowing we are friends. If you think i (and my clique) are just friends who are at ur beck and call, think again. We're not just names in your appointment book. And i am eager to prove that to you. I sound impulsive and i dun like sounding this way but i am angry and i am not about to hold myself back. Yes, there will be photos and memories and letters. I've done this before. Letting go of friends. Strangely familiar. And i know : Once you're decided, you realise it is actually too easy. ~ Received an email from you. I know its selfish of me to think so but how i hoped you could have been there for me when i needed someone badly. Yes, but i remember why i didn't. It pains me to hear that you are unhappy. Esp when i know this is more than jus normal mood swings. I would want to share this burden of yours if i could. But i know i can't. And since it is a problem which involves issues which i have stated quite clearly i didn't like to hear of, it even makes it harder for me to help you and that depresses me greatly. I am almost suffocated by the helplessness that i feel, the helplessness that would have driven u to seek my reassurance and comfort. And it's even scarier when i realise that all these emotions are feeling so distant. ~ I'm a bit tired i realised. Of all these maintenance issues (haha sounds like PUB) , of fulfilling promises and dreams and of answering to memories and past. Despondant but already cheering up. Dun worry. 3/11/2004 10:42:00 PM

yi A student (and maybe one always) / from Singapore in Shanghai / a hopefully chronic baking OCD / aborted mission Noble entirely / decided to stop believing in change and creation but work on succeeding heritages / food is culture. culture is heritage. / dreams of cooking classes in France where everything is white, light & shadows and old mastery - a typical Western enchantment/ wonders if Singaporean food will ever turn into haute cuisine/ will hump a madeleine more than anything else (for now)/ half-worried and half-proud that solid lava cakes distress him more than alot of things/ baking is my first (practical) skill/ believes that fine food can be found in the dodgiest alley after China/ will one day make his baking compulsion serve Charity / The Yi Cafe (a concept not a name)/ has the most pot-bellied father and a kitchen-prodigal mother (thus!)/ the second son with the less discerning tongue/ an aged interest in literature/ a perpetual weight issue / grams not pounds / measuring out my life with tbsps/ feeds the one with a sweeth tooth/ says, "my heart is stollen" homemade berry tart for the jaundice. SH culinary endeavours 1 : tang yuan in glutinuous rice wine SH culinary endeavours 2 : morbidly obese morning sandwich SH culinary endeavours 3 : herbal chicken soup YOU HEAR : Joni Mitchell - You Turn Me On I'm A Radio oh honey you turn me on i'm a radio i'm a country station i'm a little bit corny i'm a wild flower waiting for your broadcasting tower waiting for you fellow pebbles Archive Archives 10/12/2003 - 10/19/2003 10/19/2003 - 10/26/2003 10/26/2003 - 11/02/2003 11/02/2003 - 11/09/2003 11/09/2003 - 11/16/2003 11/16/2003 - 11/23/2003 11/30/2003 - 12/07/2003 12/07/2003 - 12/14/2003 12/28/2003 - 01/04/2004 01/04/2004 - 01/11/2004 01/11/2004 - 01/18/2004 01/25/2004 - 02/01/2004 02/01/2004 - 02/08/2004 02/08/2004 - 02/15/2004 02/15/2004 - 02/22/2004 02/22/2004 - 02/29/2004 02/29/2004 - 03/07/2004 03/07/2004 - 03/14/2004 03/14/2004 - 03/21/2004 03/21/2004 - 03/28/2004 03/28/2004 - 04/04/2004 04/04/2004 - 04/11/2004 04/11/2004 - 04/18/2004 04/18/2004 - 04/25/2004 05/02/2004 - 05/09/2004 05/09/2004 - 05/16/2004 05/16/2004 - 05/23/2004 05/23/2004 - 05/30/2004 05/30/2004 - 06/06/2004 06/06/2004 - 06/13/2004 06/20/2004 - 06/27/2004 06/27/2004 - 07/04/2004 07/04/2004 - 07/11/2004 07/11/2004 - 07/18/2004 07/18/2004 - 07/25/2004 08/01/2004 - 08/08/2004 08/08/2004 - 08/15/2004 08/15/2004 - 08/22/2004 08/22/2004 - 08/29/2004 08/29/2004 - 09/05/2004 09/05/2004 - 09/12/2004 09/12/2004 - 09/19/2004 09/19/2004 - 09/26/2004 09/26/2004 - 10/03/2004 10/03/2004 - 10/10/2004 10/10/2004 - 10/17/2004 10/17/2004 - 10/24/2004 10/24/2004 - 10/31/2004 11/07/2004 - 11/14/2004 11/14/2004 - 11/21/2004 12/05/2004 - 12/12/2004 12/12/2004 - 12/19/2004 12/19/2004 - 12/26/2004 12/26/2004 - 01/02/2005 01/02/2005 - 01/09/2005 01/09/2005 - 01/16/2005 01/16/2005 - 01/23/2005 01/23/2005 - 01/30/2005 01/30/2005 - 02/06/2005 02/13/2005 - 02/20/2005 02/20/2005 - 02/27/2005 02/27/2005 - 03/06/2005 03/06/2005 - 03/13/2005 03/13/2005 - 03/20/2005 03/20/2005 - 03/27/2005 03/27/2005 - 04/03/2005 04/17/2005 - 04/24/2005 05/08/2005 - 05/15/2005 05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005 05/29/2005 - 06/05/2005 06/05/2005 - 06/12/2005 06/19/2005 - 06/26/2005 07/03/2005 - 07/10/2005 07/10/2005 - 07/17/2005 07/17/2005 - 07/24/2005 07/24/2005 - 07/31/2005 07/31/2005 - 08/07/2005 08/07/2005 - 08/14/2005 08/14/2005 - 08/21/2005 08/21/2005 - 08/28/2005 08/28/2005 - 09/04/2005 09/25/2005 - 10/02/2005 11/06/2005 - 11/13/2005 12/11/2005 - 12/18/2005 01/22/2006 - 01/29/2006 02/05/2006 - 02/12/2006 02/26/2006 - 03/05/2006 03/05/2006 - 03/12/2006 03/12/2006 - 03/19/2006 05/14/2006 - 05/21/2006 06/11/2006 - 06/18/2006 06/25/2006 - 07/02/2006 09/17/2006 - 09/24/2006 10/15/2006 - 10/22/2006 11/26/2006 - 12/03/2006 12/17/2006 - 12/24/2006 06/03/2007 - 06/10/2007 08/26/2007 - 09/02/2007 11/04/2007 - 11/11/2007 09/07/2008 - 09/14/2008 12/14/2008 - 12/21/2008 12/28/2008 - 01/04/2009 01/04/2009 - 01/11/2009 01/18/2009 - 01/25/2009 01/25/2009 - 02/01/2009 02/01/2009 - 02/08/2009 02/08/2009 - 02/15/2009 02/15/2009 - 02/22/2009 02/22/2009 - 03/01/2009 03/15/2009 - 03/22/2009 & I want these Apron Stains! Madeleine Attempt 3 (with baking powder?!) ML's Stollen SY's Baked Almond and Marzipan (urgh) Peaches ZW's Ricotta Cream Cheese Pudding Citrus Delight 4 Lavas + 4 Purins for e Family replica of JG's FG with port gelee, candied pistachios and dried sour cranberries Upcoming Gastronomic Gorges Haiku by Hatsune Geylang Tze Char Pilgrimage Peranakan Food Liver @ Hong Long Xing